Once Again a Trio

I have sat down to write this so many times, but never seem to be able to find the words. I haven’t written an update in quite some time- in large part because having 2 kids, working from home, living in a pandemic, and figuring out so many new things is exhausting. And in part because I didn’t feel I had much to say- days all blurred together and things were busy, but overall good.

All of that changed about 3 weeks ago. The Teen decided to leave. Unfortunately she didn’t tell anyone, she just left. I’ve theorized and hypothesized why she left a million times. But they are just that- theories. Because the reality is I don’t know. I may never know. And I won’t put her history or decisions out there, since that is her story to tell. What I can tell you is mine.

The first few days she was gone I was a wreck. I cried. I didn’t sleep. I reached out to literally everyone I could think of who might know where she is. I sent her a million messages. I called. I received two short messages back saying she was safe. And although that helped a little, I know my idea of safe is different than a teenager's idea of safe. I wanted her home where I knew she was safe. I wish I could say that's what happened, but that’s not how this story goes. 

Sunday morning will mark 3 weeks of her being gone. I don’t believe she will be coming back, at least not anytime soon. Mitch and I have had some incredibly hard conversations. We’ve cried. We’ve questioned everything. We’ve wracked our brains searching for the “why”, but ultimately come up empty handed. We decided, for now, to close her bed. In non-foster parent terms, that means she officially doesn’t live here anymore. We packed the things she left behind and they are currently in bins and bags in her closet. Just sitting there, waiting. She hasn’t made contact with DCS, so she is considered a runaway. The harsh reality of the system is that this is common- teens in foster care run away a lot. And no one looks for them. There is a police report filed with her name, age, and physical description, but unless the police happen upon her for some other reason, they don’t look for runaways. DCS also doesn’t look for runaways. Their cases just sit on someone's desk until they turn up, either by contacting someone or by getting arrested. 

From where I sit, everything about this sucks. I have no control and no legal rights. My Teen is old enough she can request where she goes or doesn’t go- so if she says she never wants to see or speak to us again, DCS will honor that. I agree with that part- it's one of the few things she can control. But it still breaks my heart. I still love her. And I wish things were different, but right now that’s all I can do. Mitch and I have made it clear to her DCS team that we are still willing to be in her life, and maybe someday down the road, she could live here again. But not right now- we have a lot of healing to do and there was a lot of damage done.

What has gotten us through this has been each other and our amazing community. From the moment we reached out or told people what happened, we have been completely embraced with love and support. Friends, family, and our licensing agency have showered us with support and it has been incredible. Honestly, I was embarrassed at first, and hopeful she would return after a couple of days- thinking she just needed a break, but would come back. I didn’t want to taint the way anyone viewed her for making a mistake, afterall she is a foster kid and foster kids have so much trauma. I also felt like a failure. What did I miss? What didn’t I do? How did I fail her?

I’m still grappling with those questions. Some days are better than others. Things are much quieter around here with just one kid. The Toddler has asked about her a few times but accepts the “she went bye bye” or “she’s not here” answers and goes about her business of playing with toys and asking for snacks. The upside is the Toddler continues to do great. She loves school, sings songs, does puzzles, and plays non-stop. She is full of energy and spunk and is cute as can be. She remains fearless and gleefully went down the very tall slide headfirst, which only made my heart skip a few beats. It’s been a welcome distraction to still have a kid who needs a lot of attention to keep us both occupied and not let us dwell too much.

I don’t know where we’ll go from here. The next few weeks we’re just going to keep on doing what we’re doing. We’ll likely be returning to in-person school soon and that brings a new set of challenges, so before we make any family decisions we’re going to see what school decisions are made and how that goes.

Thank you all for your continued love and support. Foster care definitely takes a village. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard. That said, I’m still glad we made this choice and even knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change my mind and I’d do it all again. Also, I’d like to be the star of an MTV Real Life because I think I’ve said “You think you know, but you have no idea” at least a thousand times. 

Breaking News: Parenting is Hard

It’s been just over a full month of two kids and three months with the Teen. All in all it's been really good, most days are a whirlwind, and I collapse into bed wondering how I can be so exhausted. The Teen continues to thrive and did Freshman Academy for 3 weeks via Zoom and earned a half credit for High School. This required she be up and on Zoom at 8am every day, for 3 weeks, and she was, with almost no reminders! I was blown away and incredibly impressed with her dedication and self motivation- even if the snarky comments were plentiful (while on mute of course). We also had to do some district level advocating for her Algebra grade, but were able to come to an agreement after what felt like a thousand emails and phone calls. She’ll start high school with 1.5 credits and has chosen several advanced courses, which I’m thrilled about. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, while the other part is just feeling super lucky that this amazing kid landed in my lap. Sometimes literally, in my lap. 

The Toddler is a different type of challenge. Developmentally, she continues to be totally on track and literally talks non-stop. She has picked up fun words and phrases and loves her chickens and her T (the tortoise, Farmer T) and likes to go look for him in the yard. The kitty remains in hiding. Behaviors have changed some- we have far fewer tantrums and meltdowns, but there has been an increase in biting and pinching. The constant question in my mind: Trauma or Age? She’s almost two and fiercely independent, but she also has a trauma history; every single kid in foster care has multiple traumas, both from their lives and from the system. I don’t think there is an answer to my question other than: probably a combination of both.

One of the hardest things about foster care continues to be the system. Kids are kids and behaviors can be redirected, retaught, and replaced; that’s why we’re here. The system continues to be broken. The Toddler has been with us over a month and I have never met her DCS worker. This is not a criticism of the worker- I have received emails and she has been quick to respond if I have needed information. But she didn’t have time to do a home visit for the Toddler and her two siblings, placed in 2 other foster homes located on the opposite end of town, so she did a check in during a visit with their mom. She also took, what I am sure is much needed and well deserved, time off this month. A caseworker shouldn’t have to choose between time off and required visits, but it happens all the time. I’m sure she works well past her paid 40 hours completing reports, responding to emails, and doing a million other things. The system sucks.

Another thing I’ve noticed this time around is feeling embarrassed or judged when my kid is acting up. She’s nearly 2 and she is a bundle of energy, she is also completely fearless and a total daredevil. She has meltdowns. She hits, or bites, or pinches- especially when she is mad. This is how toddlers communicate. But I feel it more now. We’re not out in public very much, and her daycare knows she is a foster kid, but I still feel the judgment. I see the looks that say “get your kid under control” or the looks that question my reaction or response to her. Some days I want to shout and wear a sign that says “She’s a foster kid! I didn’t make this, but I’m here dealing with it and we’re doing the best we can!” but I don’t, of course. It is no one else’s business to know what she has been through or what her history is. 

I so appreciate the friends I have that share their own parenting journeys and ups and downs. You make me feel SO much better! It’s incredibly comforting to know your kid also has meltdowns, touches their poop, hits and throws things, and is still ridiculously cute and sweet and funny and oh so lovable. Parenting is not easy, no matter the circumstance. Social media can be hard- especially the non-stop highlight reels that many share. But it has helped me feel connected in ways I didn’t know I needed going in to this. So keep sharing your ups and downs, friends, because I am watching and I’m with you! 

And look how cute we are. I am super lucky to have such gorgeous girls. 

The Teen and The Toddler

There has been a lot happening in the Shac-A-Con house the past two weeks, and there’s been so much I’ve wanted to say. But it feels like there is no time, or at least no energy. I am so tired!

Two weeks ago we added a toddler to the mix. She is just shy of 2 and full of spunk and energy. Most of the time she’s fun and sweet: her vocabulary is excellent and she is constantly repeating and learning new words and phrases. She’s quite independent and can “do it” by herself- and NO she does not need your help. And she loves to talk! I knew adding a second kid to the mix would change things, but, as they said on MTV: You think you know, but you have no idea. And, honestly, I had no idea! 

Parenting is hard. Foster parenting is hard. Having 2 kids is hard! We’re incredibly lucky and The Teen loves The Toddler. She is super sweet and patient and loves to play and make The Toddler giggle. The Toddler loves her right back and calls for her, loves to run and give hugs, and “knock knock” and demand to “open da door” when The Teen seeks respite in her room. I truly don’t know how people do this with two young kids- you have my full admiration.

It's been an interesting learning curve and balancing act- incorporating a new kid into the family, establishing a routine for her, especially because we have all been very out of routine the past couple months, and making sure both kids are getting the attention they need. Even more so because the attention they each need is very different. All while still trying to do some work from home and keep tabs on everything happening in the world around us. Man, do I miss school! I miss my office and having a place of refuge where no one is climbing on me or watching me pee. Toddlers do not have boundaries. 

We’re also dealing with meltdowns and tantrums, mostly from The Toddler, but at least a couple have been mine. There have been super high highs- like getting her to bed with no crying or screaming- and very low lows- like feeling like an absolute failure as she screams louder and longer than I thought humanly possible and having no idea what to do to comfort her because all my tricks were rejected or failed. These have not been my best two weeks. I’ve felt like a failure in more ways than I can even count and in every role in my life- mom, wife, friend, counselor. I’ve cried and questioned if I can do this. I decided we needed to enroll The Toddler in daycare for all of our sake and I think it will help for everyone to get a break and to be able to quietly get work and school done while she runs around with other kids and releases some energy.  

But there have been successes too: bedtime is getting easier, my relationship with The Teen is continuing to grow and I continually remind her this is forever- she is stuck with us and we’re not going anywhere. And I’m so lucky to have an incredible partner. I love watching Mitch be a dad- sometimes he fumbles and I know he’s had his moments of feeling like a failure too (a hard “mommy” phase happening doesn’t help) but he’s really good at it. He’s goofy and caring and is very active in parenting. Our families are also wonderful and continue to embrace and love every kid who enters our home. We couldn’t do this alone, and we’re fortunate to not have to. 

I don’t know how long The Toddler will be with us- her mom is working her case plan and wants reunification, which is wonderful. I’m so happy she has a mom that loves her and wants to get her back. I truly hope mom can do what is required by DCS and is successful in reunifying. Until then, we’ll love her too and take care of her, and work through the tantrums and meltdowns. Hopefully she’ll learn some more coping skills and the meltdowns will decrease as our skills increase and we better learn how to help her. We’ll keep at it regardless. She redeems herself quite often- like when she asks for lotion (she’s obsessed with lotion) or squeals with delight as she rides her bike or swims in the pool. She really is fun. I suspect this will be a summer of more firsts for us as we continue to navigate having two kids. Hard to believe that 7 months ago we were a family of 2 and now we’re a family of 4. Clearly there is no predicting 2020. 

Mother’s Day

As Mother’s Day approaches, my thoughts have been a lot on motherhood and what it means to be a mom. I don’t think I really know and my thoughts about it change regularly. But this week, I’m feeling trepidation. Mother’s Day, growing up, was always a simple but happy holiday- it usually involved grilling, cheesecake, and a gift of a plant. Nothing flashy, but simple and enjoyable. 

I am incredibly lucky and privileged: I have a fabulous mom. She has always been great, even when I was a teenager and hated everyone and everything. But she’s been especially wonderful the past 7 months since we started Foster Care. She’s provided countless hours of babysitting, applesauce packets, and emotional support. So why trepidation? Because my life is infinitely more interesting and complicated since adding kids to it.

Overall, it's really good. The Teen is an awesome kid- she’s smart, sweet, and has a great goofy side that makes me laugh a ton. I’m really glad she’s here, but a teen is inherently more complicated than a baby or toddler. She has 14 years of life and history, which includes traditions. I love holidays and traditions, but I worry that my traditions aren’t hers and may never be. And I don’t want her feeling sad, left out, or alone. I’m working to figure out how to incorporate things she has shared, with things my family has done, and also building our own, new traditions as a family. It’s certainly not easy and I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I’m trying and so far it’s going pretty well (I think).

I often question if I’m really a mom. I’ve made up to being a parent, but for some reason “Mom” feels more intimate; like a title that has to be earned and a special club I haven’t quite figured out the secret handshake to. I will say, I’ve got the mom-guilt down pretty well. The other night the Teen woke up feeling sick- I heard someone throw up, but figured it was Mitch since that's kind of his thing. I felt so bad the next morning when I found out, it wasn’t him and didn’t get up to check. She assured me she was ok, just had a sudden upset stomach, and went back to sleep after. I still felt like I should have been there. Maybe that's part of being a mom? It’s also weird to think there are so many things in the Teens life I wasn’t there for, but also so many things in her life now that her mom isn’t around for. Her mom is the one who is missing out- she has a cool kid and she isn’t getting to see it. Foster care is so incredibly bittersweet. 

I was caught off guard this weekend as well- Mitch and the Teen bought me flowers and a perfect frame filled with selfies from our hikes and bike rides and a great card. I don’t know what's up next. Nothing has gone according to plan- I didn’t think I’d have a teenager, but here we are. I don’t know if I’ll ever be her *capital letter* Mom, but I hope I can be a mom to her. I’ve told her several times- she’s stuck with me, because I’m not going anywhere and neither is she. I really love her and love this little family we’ve cobbled together. I know there will be many days full of doubt, I’ll question if I’m doing the right thing, I’ll make mistakes, but I hope that all the good continues to far outweigh that. This isn’t an easy path, but it’s worth it and I’m grateful for the way things have gone; not at all according to plan. 

Mitch picked 1 rose for each kid. Good job, Mitch.

The card is so fitting.

The Teen and I switch up our looks. Mitch dresses like a park ranger 100% of the time.

Parenting in the Time of Covid

Everything is weird. This past month has been a lot. School is closed and learning to work from home has been a huge challenge. Add to that a teenager who is learning to do school from home and learning a whole new family and household. 

Parenting is hard in the best of circumstances. Partnering kids with trauma is really hard. Parenting a kid with trauma during a global pandemic is hard and weird and baffling at times. 

Parenting a teen is brand new territory for us. We work with teens, which is helpful, but having one at home is very different. Overall the month has gone really well and we’re settling in. Being locked up and forced to spend way more time than expected together has its benefits- we’ve gotten to have some great conversations and done some hiking and bike riding. The weather is perfect so it’s been nice to have dinners outside and at least have the doors open. 

In many ways a teen is much easier than a toddler. I don’t have to watch her every moment or worry what she’ll find next. She can entertain herself, feed herself, bathe herself. I can remind her to do school work and she knows what and how to do it- she’s very smart and has big goals for her future. Sometimes it feels too easy! But the concerns are bigger and conversations more important. And more awkward. 

But it’s also exhausting. We’re all yearning to be out in the world again. We all miss school and routine. We’re all going stir crazy. And with a lot of time comes time to think. And overthinking is something I excel at. 

I’ve been doubting my parenting skills, doubting if I can do this. Not sure what I’ve gotten myself (and Mitch) into- can we handle this? Are we prepared? Can we actually do this? Teens come with a lot of history and teens in DCS come with a lot of trauma history. I hope we can. I know this isn’t an easy path, but a part of me still hoped it would be easy. It’s not easy. And if it were, we wouldn’t be doing it right. 

I’ve been fortunate that the foster community is wonderful- I’ve been able to reach out to literal strangers for pep talks and support and leave the conversation feeling like I’ve known them forever. I was extra worried about adding a teen to the mix since most of my go-to supports are also in the toddler/ pre-school stage of parenting. I don’t know many parents of teens! But those I know have embraced me and those I’m meeting are fabulous. I’m so grateful for the advice, support, and commiseration! 

We’re learning. We’re trying. We’re hoping things will go back to normal, or close to it, soon. Until then, and I’m sure after then, we’ll keep trying to figure this out. 

Big Changes

There have been some big changes in Casa Shac-a-Con. Namely, we have a teenager now. It started a few weeks ago; Mitch had an 8th grader who mentioned she was in foster care and was very unhappy in her current home. This alone didn’t seem crazy- what 14 year old doesn’t hate their parents at some point? Then things escalated, her current home wasn’t working and she ended up in a group home. At this point, I decided that we needed to do whatever we could to get her moved into our house. Our licensing agency is fantastic and got right on it- they contacted DCS, submitted an amendment to our license and got it fast-tracked, and got us contact info to arrange some visits. We took The Teen out to dinner on Friday (after buying shoes because there was a shoe crisis) and then brought her to the house to check it out Sunday and discuss if this seemed like something she wanted to do. She agreed, and Wednesday we picked her up from DCS and officially became foster parents to a teenager. It’s been a whirlwind of a week.

We have moved furniture, emptied an office and turned it into a baby room (I also decided to repaint the room because Spring Break). We got a bed, took her shopping for sheets and a comforter, got a dresser and nightstand, and magically we have a room fit for a big kid. And a new room fit for a little one. And a desk in the bedroom, plus another temporarily in the living room as we prep for “distance learning” and what that means for all of us.

So far, it’s been a smooth transition. I fully recognize we’re in a honeymoon and we’re in an odd situation since school is closed and we’re social distancing. The first few days included errands, picking up needed items, and unpacking, so we’re just starting on actual distancing and staying home.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous and feeling under-prepared. But from what I know from my friends with teens, that’s par for the course. We got her a phone and she’s in love with it and is happy to be back in contact with all her friends. She’s also taught us some fun tricks that Alexa can do. And last night we enjoyed dinner and making s’mores on the roof deck while she showed us pictures and videos of her friends and family: it was a really good night. 

We’re in uncharted territory, in so many ways, but I think we’re as prepared as we can be and I’m sure we’ll learn a lot along the way.

Also, we bought her color lights for her room that Alexa controls. They’re pretty cool. 

It’s So Easy To Fall In Love

Loving on kids is easy. It’s by far the easiest part of fostering. Goodbyes are the hardest, but dealing with “The System” is a close second. The current struggle: we know our current nugget, a darling 18 month old girl, will likely be a short placement because she is Native American.

For those who aren’t familiar with the system, Native American children have extra protections in place with ICWA (Indian Children’s Welfare Act). For lots of really racist and terrible reasons, native children were being removed and placed in the foster system at much higher rates than white children. In the late 1970s this was finally recognized and protections were put into place to keep native children with their families, relatives, or other native families. The law is a good thing- it helps keep native kids with their tribes or other Native American families and helps protect cultures and traditions that were nearly destroyed. We are not an ICWA home: not because we wouldn’t be more than willing, but we are not native and no matter how hard we worked to keep her connected to her tribe and culture, we will never be Native American and if she can remain connected through a tribal placement, she deserves that. 

I would love to keep this little nugget longer- she is a little delayed in speech but getting better every day. It’s been just over a week with her and she’s got a few words, has learned to sign “more” and “all done” and is really blossoming. We’ve also got her off the pacifier except at night and naptime (I’m good with that compromise). She can say kitty and puppy and responds to commands and questions with head shakes or nods. She’s also comfortable going to bed now- the first few days were filled with crying and major separation anxiety, but that has all but disappeared; she’s learned that we’ll come back if we leave the room or house, and if she cries at night or when she wakes up in the morning, someone will come to her. It’s amazing how quickly she has learned to trust and gives me a lot of hope for her future relationships with caretakers.

Mitch and I have also hit a good stride. We’ve been lucky with getting generally happy babies and we’re fortunate to be able to give them so much attention and be able to work on things like language development and surround them with books and exploratory toys. We’ve gotten our routine pretty well figured out, developed common language, and have come together as a team. Dare I say, we’re kinda nailing it? I’m genuinely impressed at how well we’ve both taken to parenting and how natural it feels. And I’m not even a little sad we didn’t do the newborn thing, because waking up every 2-3 hours sounds awful and I don’t want to do it.

For the sake of balance, there are things I am not great at. Feeding my kid (or my husband) vegetables. Toddler hair. This nugget has SO much hair! And she has about 10 seconds of stand still time. My hair game has never been strong. I do not come from a long line of hair-doers. I screamed and cried as a child when my hair was touched. I wore curly bangs in high school. I still don’t really know what I’m doing. Sorry any kid of mine, you will not be the kid with the cute hair do. 

This week could bring more changes and another goodbye. Or not. It’s foster care, so who knows!