In mid-February we said goodbye to the Toddler and Sis as they reunified. The timeline was short, much faster than I would have preferred for a transition, but that’s what the judge ordered and he has final say in everything. So we did what we could to transition them, said goodbyes, packed their things, and on the date ordered drove them home. It was heartbreaking and wonderful all at once. I miss them terribly! But I am so happy that they got to go home. Reunification is the goal and they made it! Mom worked SO hard and did every single thing asked of her and never missed a visit or call. I hope her kids are proud of her and I hope she tells them with pride how hard she worked for them. I hope this heals some of the trauma and I really hope DCS never has reason to enter their lives again.
Last week we got The Call. We’d actually gotten 3 other calls but due to timing and/or circumstances couldn’t say yes. We were officially “open” about a week. The newest kids are both girls, aged 2 and 5. Sound familiar? Luckily not the same kids (as much as I will always love the Toddler and Sis, I really want them to be able to stay with mom and for mom to be successful). Sunny is 5 and Smiley is 2. And they truly earned those names. They are sweet as can be, beautiful, have SO much long, thick, gorgeous hair, and absolutely adore each other. They also have a brother, placed in another home. I wish we could have taken him too, especially because the girls have talked about him a lot, but right now we’re just not ready for 3 kids. Two is plenty and keeping us on our toes!
The resiliency of kids never ceases to amaze me. They’ve mentioned mommy and Smiley misses her a lot, but they’ve settled in really well.
For me, it’s been a lot of feeling a little like Groundhog Day. Two girls, same ages, similar history (based on the very little I know), even another sibling. It’s been great and also a little sad. I miss the Toddler and Sis. We knew each other. They knew the routine and the rules. Starting over is hard- it’s a lot of work to establish a new routine, learn personalities and preferences, navigate big feelings and hard questions I don’t have answers to. Not to mention the logistics and appointments that fill the first week or so. Plus I don’t know much- no idea on a timeline, no idea if they have a family member who will be able to take them in, no idea what to expect from visits. I don’t even know when visits will take place.
Emotionally I’m feeling drained. And physically I’m tired because kids are bottomless pits of energy and questions. I’m glad to have them and I’ll love them as long as they’re with us, but it’s hard not to feel guarded. In case you’ve lost count, they are number #7 and #8 since November 2019. That’s a lot of hellos and goodbyes in a year and a half.
The month we had no kids was a weird mix of relaxing and entirely too quiet. I worked, a lot. Largely because I had the time and didn’t really know what to do with myself. The Toddler had been with us for 9 months, I was so used to the Get home, eat, bath, books, bed, collapse routine I literally walked around the house like a lost puppy on more than one occasion. I didn’t have to remind anyone to go potty and I was only walked in on while peeing a couple times (by Mitch. And the cat). In the past few days that number has increased again- how do kids just know when you’re in the bathroom?
We hope to adopt. I also feel terrible for hoping. For me to adopt means another mom loses her kid forever. It means a family has to be legally dismantled and a child forever cut from their biological family. Many adoptions are able to remain open and keep ties to biological family members and I truly hope that if we do adopt we are able to do this. It’s hard. Really hard. But worth it. Adoption is trauma, no matter what, so anything I can do to help reduce or ease that is worth it. When it comes to family and our village, I am of the opinion that the more, the merrier.
It’s also hard to not know. There is no timeline. There’s no “it’ll be soon” or the next one will be forever. In foster care it’s not forever until the judge decrees it. Adoptions fall apart all the time for a variety of reasons. I am constantly trying to find the sweet spot of loving fully but also protecting myself; honestly I don’t think it exists so I’m just loving fully and knowing I’ll hurt later. And being mostly ok with that because at least the kids who enter my home will be very loved. And I get to be a mom and enjoy all the funny and sweet moments that come with it. And I truly love that part and wouldn’t trade it, even with the rollercoaster of foster care.
I don’t have words of wisdom but I do have non stop gratitude for my village. Not only do they love us, they love all the kids who come through. I know they feel the sadness and heartbreak too but I feel so fortunate that all our kids have been enveloped in love by so many people.
One final selfie before they went home.
The new crew meeting Farmer T.
