Big Changes

There have been some big changes in Casa Shac-a-Con. Namely, we have a teenager now. It started a few weeks ago; Mitch had an 8th grader who mentioned she was in foster care and was very unhappy in her current home. This alone didn’t seem crazy- what 14 year old doesn’t hate their parents at some point? Then things escalated, her current home wasn’t working and she ended up in a group home. At this point, I decided that we needed to do whatever we could to get her moved into our house. Our licensing agency is fantastic and got right on it- they contacted DCS, submitted an amendment to our license and got it fast-tracked, and got us contact info to arrange some visits. We took The Teen out to dinner on Friday (after buying shoes because there was a shoe crisis) and then brought her to the house to check it out Sunday and discuss if this seemed like something she wanted to do. She agreed, and Wednesday we picked her up from DCS and officially became foster parents to a teenager. It’s been a whirlwind of a week.

We have moved furniture, emptied an office and turned it into a baby room (I also decided to repaint the room because Spring Break). We got a bed, took her shopping for sheets and a comforter, got a dresser and nightstand, and magically we have a room fit for a big kid. And a new room fit for a little one. And a desk in the bedroom, plus another temporarily in the living room as we prep for “distance learning” and what that means for all of us.

So far, it’s been a smooth transition. I fully recognize we’re in a honeymoon and we’re in an odd situation since school is closed and we’re social distancing. The first few days included errands, picking up needed items, and unpacking, so we’re just starting on actual distancing and staying home.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous and feeling under-prepared. But from what I know from my friends with teens, that’s par for the course. We got her a phone and she’s in love with it and is happy to be back in contact with all her friends. She’s also taught us some fun tricks that Alexa can do. And last night we enjoyed dinner and making s’mores on the roof deck while she showed us pictures and videos of her friends and family: it was a really good night. 

We’re in uncharted territory, in so many ways, but I think we’re as prepared as we can be and I’m sure we’ll learn a lot along the way.

Also, we bought her color lights for her room that Alexa controls. They’re pretty cool. 

It’s So Easy To Fall In Love

Loving on kids is easy. It’s by far the easiest part of fostering. Goodbyes are the hardest, but dealing with “The System” is a close second. The current struggle: we know our current nugget, a darling 18 month old girl, will likely be a short placement because she is Native American.

For those who aren’t familiar with the system, Native American children have extra protections in place with ICWA (Indian Children’s Welfare Act). For lots of really racist and terrible reasons, native children were being removed and placed in the foster system at much higher rates than white children. In the late 1970s this was finally recognized and protections were put into place to keep native children with their families, relatives, or other native families. The law is a good thing- it helps keep native kids with their tribes or other Native American families and helps protect cultures and traditions that were nearly destroyed. We are not an ICWA home: not because we wouldn’t be more than willing, but we are not native and no matter how hard we worked to keep her connected to her tribe and culture, we will never be Native American and if she can remain connected through a tribal placement, she deserves that. 

I would love to keep this little nugget longer- she is a little delayed in speech but getting better every day. It’s been just over a week with her and she’s got a few words, has learned to sign “more” and “all done” and is really blossoming. We’ve also got her off the pacifier except at night and naptime (I’m good with that compromise). She can say kitty and puppy and responds to commands and questions with head shakes or nods. She’s also comfortable going to bed now- the first few days were filled with crying and major separation anxiety, but that has all but disappeared; she’s learned that we’ll come back if we leave the room or house, and if she cries at night or when she wakes up in the morning, someone will come to her. It’s amazing how quickly she has learned to trust and gives me a lot of hope for her future relationships with caretakers.

Mitch and I have also hit a good stride. We’ve been lucky with getting generally happy babies and we’re fortunate to be able to give them so much attention and be able to work on things like language development and surround them with books and exploratory toys. We’ve gotten our routine pretty well figured out, developed common language, and have come together as a team. Dare I say, we’re kinda nailing it? I’m genuinely impressed at how well we’ve both taken to parenting and how natural it feels. And I’m not even a little sad we didn’t do the newborn thing, because waking up every 2-3 hours sounds awful and I don’t want to do it.

For the sake of balance, there are things I am not great at. Feeding my kid (or my husband) vegetables. Toddler hair. This nugget has SO much hair! And she has about 10 seconds of stand still time. My hair game has never been strong. I do not come from a long line of hair-doers. I screamed and cried as a child when my hair was touched. I wore curly bangs in high school. I still don’t really know what I’m doing. Sorry any kid of mine, you will not be the kid with the cute hair do. 

This week could bring more changes and another goodbye. Or not. It’s foster care, so who knows!