It's been one year since we officially became foster parents. We were licensed on a Monday and had our first little one, Tater, by Tuesday night. To say the last year has been an adventure is an understatement. Parenting is hard. Foster parenting is hard. Doing it all during a global pandemic is ridiculous and weird.
Things definitely did not go as expected (or at least not how I secretly hoped they would). Foster care rarely (ever?) goes as expected. In my dream land, we’d be well on our way to adoption right now. That is not reality. Our current little one is on the path to reunify which is both wonderful and heart breaking all at once. I want her to be back with her mom and siblings. I also want her to stay with me forever. In 1 year we’ve had 5 kids. The longest was about 7 months, but the Toddler is on track to pass that mark soon, the shortest just a week and a half. But each one left their mark.
I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. I love being a mom. Even more than I thought I would. And I love watching Mitch be a dad, but I expected that after years of watching him with our nieces and nephews. I’m happy that our parenting styles are pretty inline and our parenting disagreements are minimal. I love laughing about something the Toddler did when we go to bed and I love watching her grow and blossom. I also love when my mom picks her up on Saturdays and I get a few hours of semi-quiet, that I usually spend running errands and doing chores. My parents, as expected, have fully embraced grandparent life and have welcomed every kid with open arms.
There have been some amazing highs that come with watching kids grow. And some horrible lows, like when the Teen left. That is by far the worst thing that has happened and it still hurts, 6 weeks later. More than once (ok, a ton really) I’ve felt like a total failure. I’ve questioned if I can do this- parenting, foster parenting, working full time while parenting. So far the answer has somehow continued to be yes, but there were a few times I am not sure how.
Visits, CFTs, court dates, home visits, and all the other appointments are frustrating and tiring. My schedule constantly changes based on the system and what is convenient for others. The foster community in Tucson is robust and wonderful and has helped keep me sane; sometimes I just need to vent to someone who gets in and has been there and can say “yep, the system sucks. You’re doing a good job, hang in there”.
In many ways the year has flown by. I can’t imagine not having a kid (or two). “Mom” has become a huge part of my identity. I answer to shouts of “mommy!”, relate to funny Mom memes, and have plenty of gross kid anecdotes. In other ways it feels like so much more than a year has passed. Foster care can feel really lonely at times. I’ve watched multiple friends get to adopt this year and I’m both thrilled for them and their kids and insanely jealous and sad. I want my forever kid. Some days it’s hard to watch friends with bio kids, knowing their future is relatively certain. Of course anything can happen, but their kids are just that: Their kids. No one else controls their future.
At times it’s hard to find my place; in mom circles, Foster groups, and in family groups. I never feel like I 100% belong. I don’t have any pregnancy or birth stories to swap and I don’t have a Bio kid whose place is secure and clear. I’m not Christian, like a large percentage of foster parents and I don’t have a church community that I belong to. I can’t plan too far in advance- I never know how long I’ll have “my” kid and it’s too painful to think too much into the future, because that usually means thinking about goodbye. I’m always a little bit on the outside and often feel like we’re held at arm's length, because “we” are temporary and it's hard to get close when you know it’s short term. Covid life hasn’t helped since play dates, birthday parties, foster family outings, and the like aren’t a thing currently, and my primary means of connection to other moms is online. And let's be honest, that’s a highlight reel and we all know it.
I continue to be dismayed by the system and how broken and backwards it is. I regularly wonder what would happen if families in distress were offered significant money for housing, food, free childcare, substance abuse treatment, mental health treatment, parenting classes, and everything else the court provides when kids are taken away. The system could prevent kids from ever entering it and keep families together while also making them so much healthier and stronger in the long term. There would still be a need for foster care, but it could be so much smaller and perhaps the need could be filled entirely by families instead of by group homes
I’m once again overwhelmed with appreciation for all the support we have. I have no idea how people do this without all the help and support! Mitch and I are truly fortunate so have so many people who love us and are willing to roll with us on this wild ride.
