New to the Crew

In mid-February we said goodbye to the Toddler and Sis as they reunified. The timeline was short, much faster than I would have preferred for a transition, but that’s what the judge ordered and he has final say in everything. So we did what we could to transition them, said goodbyes, packed their things, and on the date ordered drove them home. It was heartbreaking and wonderful all at once. I miss them terribly! But I am so happy that they got to go home. Reunification is the goal and they made it! Mom worked SO hard and did every single thing asked of her and never missed a visit or call. I hope her kids are proud of her and I hope she tells them with pride how hard she worked for them. I hope this heals some of the trauma and I really hope DCS never has reason to enter their lives again.

Last week we got The Call. We’d actually gotten 3 other calls but due to timing and/or circumstances couldn’t say yes. We were officially “open” about a week. The newest kids are both girls, aged 2 and 5. Sound familiar? Luckily not the same kids (as much as I will always love the Toddler and Sis, I really want them to be able to stay with mom and for mom to be successful). Sunny is 5 and Smiley is 2. And they truly earned those names. They are sweet as can be, beautiful, have SO much long, thick, gorgeous hair, and absolutely adore each other. They also have a brother, placed in another home. I wish we could have taken him too, especially because the girls have talked about him a lot, but right now we’re just not ready for 3 kids. Two is plenty and keeping us on our toes!

The resiliency of kids never ceases to amaze me. They’ve mentioned mommy and Smiley misses her a lot, but they’ve settled in really well. 

For me, it’s been a lot of feeling a little like Groundhog Day. Two girls, same ages, similar history (based on the very little I know), even another sibling. It’s been great and also a little sad. I miss the Toddler and Sis. We knew each other. They knew the routine and the rules. Starting over is hard- it’s a lot of work to establish a new routine, learn personalities and preferences, navigate big feelings and hard questions I don’t have answers to. Not to mention the logistics and appointments that fill the first week or so. Plus I don’t know much- no idea on a timeline, no idea if they have a family member who will be able to take them in, no idea what to expect from visits. I don’t even know when visits will take place. 

Emotionally I’m feeling drained. And physically I’m tired because kids are bottomless pits of energy and questions. I’m glad to have them and I’ll love them as long as they’re with us, but it’s hard not to feel guarded. In case you’ve lost count, they are number #7 and #8 since November 2019. That’s a lot of hellos and goodbyes in a year and a half. 

The month we had no kids was a weird mix of relaxing and entirely too quiet. I worked, a lot. Largely because I had the time and didn’t really know what to do with myself. The Toddler had been with us for 9 months, I was so used to the Get home, eat, bath, books, bed, collapse routine I literally walked around the house like a lost puppy on more than one occasion. I didn’t have to remind anyone to go potty and I was only walked in on while peeing a couple times (by Mitch. And the cat). In the past few days that number has increased again- how do kids just know when you’re in the bathroom? 

We hope to adopt. I also feel terrible for hoping. For me to adopt means another mom loses her kid forever. It means a family has to be legally dismantled and a child forever cut from their biological family. Many adoptions are able to remain open and keep ties to biological family members and I truly hope that if we do adopt we are able to do this. It’s hard. Really hard. But worth it. Adoption is trauma, no matter what, so anything I can do to help reduce or ease that is worth it. When it comes to family and our village, I am of the opinion that the more, the merrier. 

It’s also hard to not know. There is no timeline. There’s no “it’ll be soon” or the next one will be forever. In foster care it’s not forever until the judge decrees it. Adoptions fall apart all the time for a variety of reasons. I am constantly trying to find the sweet spot of loving fully but also protecting myself; honestly I don’t think it exists so I’m just loving fully and knowing I’ll hurt later. And being mostly ok with that because at least the kids who enter my home will be very loved. And I get to be a mom and enjoy all the funny and sweet moments that come with it. And I truly love that part and wouldn’t trade it, even with the rollercoaster of foster care. 

I don’t have words of wisdom but I do have non stop gratitude for my village. Not only do they love us, they love all the kids who come through. I know they feel the sadness and heartbreak too but I feel so fortunate that all our kids have been enveloped in love by so many people. 

One final selfie before they went home. 

The new crew meeting Farmer T.

Sister Sister

It’s been two weeks since Sis joined us. In many ways it feels like so much longer; maybe because we spent 5 days over Thanksgiving with her or, unlike most new kids, the first week wasn’t spent with doctors appointments and trying to gather any bit of information about her that someone shared. Since she is the toddlers full biological sister, we know the case and the plan. And in many ways it’s felt like I’ve known Sis for months- I’d seen her in the car a few times during visit pick-up, I’ve been hearing monthly updates on how she is doing since May, and I’d seen a couple of pictures. 

I’m finding I have to remind myself it’s only been two weeks- especially as I lose patience with some of her behaviors. Overall they are really minor and very age appropriate, and considering everything she has been through at just 5 years old, she’s adjusting remarkably well. But 5 is a new age for me and having two kids close in age is a huge adjustment. I’m still learning to balance their needs, what behavior to correct and what to let go, and how to referee sisters while also letting them work it out themselves. It’s a LOT. Doesn’t feel like there is time for a learning curve either- they’re 2 and 5 and here and need me. And snacks. And attention. And baths, and books, and more snacks, and dinner (every single night!), and another bath followed by more snacks. I’ve learned I have very little patience for baby talk and whining. Ironically, I was a super whiny kid... sorry about that Mom and Dad! I can wait out a pout session pretty well. And decent conditioner and detangler spray are lifesavers for Sis’ long, thick, tangled hair. 

But through the exhaustion and non-stop busyness of Christmas and short weeks of daycare, it’s been amazing to see sisters together. They truly love and adore each other. They hug and comfort each other, like playing together, have the same level of never ending energy, and same good appetites. In foster care, it usually feels like moving mountains to make anything happen. But the stars aligned for this move! Sis had a wonderful foster mom, but her license was expiring and she needed to transfer her energy to other family members in need. But she worried about Sis and didn’t want to just move her to another home and walk away. We happened to have an open bed and had been talking about officially reopening it for a new placement. We also happened to be with the same agency as Sis’ previous foster mom which made the transfer even smoother. Her other foster mom has been incredibly helpful and remains a person in her life. We were able to keep Sis at her current daycare, so she’ll continue to see her former foster sister/bestie on a daily basis and we’ll do some play dates in the future. Two daycare drop offs and pick ups every day is far from ideal for us, but one less move for Sis is worth the extra few miles. This also lets the sisters adjust to life together again before they move back to mom. They have two more siblings, in two other foster homes, so it will be a big adjustment for them all, but I do think this will help a little bit. 

Another challenge is figuring out how to give them the attention they crave, especially 1 on 1 time. With the teen, it was easy- she was home all day and loved to run errands with me, meaning when the toddler was home I could give her attention and she got 1 on 1 with bathtime and bedtime every night. Now bathtime is an adventure in itself, with arguments over the empty shampoo bottle (why do I buy toys? They just want the literal trash!) and sometimes too much splashing that leads to some stern warnings about how “next time they’ll have to get out”. Pandemic life certainly doesn’t make it easier- playdates and trips to the zoo have to be planned in advance and canceled the minute someone sneezes- I definitely long for the Pre-Covid days of spontaneity and gatherings of big groups without a second thought. Timing is not ideal, but nothing in foster care ever is, so it feels par for the course. And I figure if we can make it through foster parenting in a pandemic, we can make it through a lot. 

I’m excited to watch the girls bond continue to grow, and anxious to see where the case goes. I expect goodbye is not too far away. And I hope they can remember good times and love and not when I got impatient and short or snapped at them one too many times. I hope they’ll remember the many trips to the park and the waaaaaaaay too many presents they got for Christmas, and know they were safe and loved while their mom worked hard to get them back. Because even on the really hard days, we both love them a lot.