Not My First Rodeo

On Monday we got a new little one- this time we got delivery! She arrived about 7:30 at night- crying and tired and I’m sure completely confused and scared. It's been a few days and she’s settling in really well. And I’m noticing a change in myself too- I’m less anxious, more confidant, and feeling less lost. I’ve only gotten up to check to see if she’s breathing like twice! And this little BB is younger than Tater- just 8 months old- and honestly that's been a relief. She wiggles and scoots, but doesn’t walk or crawl yet so she’s easier to keep an eye on while also doing little things, like putting clothes away or washing dishes. And she’s been a good napper!

We brought her in to the pediatrician and were asked if we had bio kids because it seemed like we had done this before- I gotta say it felt good to not come off like a deer in headlights. I also feel a little better about the unknown. It’s still hard not knowing what each day will bring, in regards to DCS and the future of this little one. Parenting her is easy- she’s sweet and loveable, with big bright eyes and a darling little smile. She’s a little behind on a few milestones, but not significantly, and it’ll be stuff we can work with her on and catch her up, given time. But I don’t know yet if we have time- so far I know next to nothing about our little BB. I’ve made some calls and sent some emails but the info is limited.

The hardest part is going back to my life and schedule no longer being mine. A new barrage of case workers are calling and visiting, asking for the same updates, and calling at the last minute to inform me of visits, court dates, etc. And I’ll still be left wondering how long we’ll have her- a few days? Weeks? Years? Right now I have no idea if there are relatives who might be placement options or what sort of case plan her parents will have. It’s exhausting to juggle all of the things that go into a baby plus foster care plus having no timeline. 

We had about a week and a half of no baby. Part of that included traveling out of state, so it felt like only a few real days sans baby. Honestly, it was nice and a much needed break. I slept all night. Didn’t have to pack a lunch for someone else, didn’t have to get out the door in time to get to daycare and then work, and got to do nothing when I got home (after lysoling the hell out of everything to kill this cold virus). But it was also a little sad. I missed Tater. While we were traveling, there was a little guy her same age at the family events and during a moment of silence in the Bar Mitzvah service he made happy talking sounds and I lost it. My Tater would have done the same thing and had a great time. I missed my baby. Knowing I’m entering that again sucks. I want to love and bond with BB and play and watch her grow. And I wonder if I’ll love her as much as I love Tater. I hope I do. And I hope I get time with her. 

I’m also up for another first- going to WIC. I didn’t go with Tater since the only thing I was adding to my usual grocery list was milk and applesauce, but BB is on formula and that’s pricey! I’ve taken advantage of some of the resources for foster kids, but it feels a little weird. Mitch and I have discussed it a few times- we know we have a lot of privilege and entered into this with the knowledge that we could financially afford it. Utilizing daycare services has been a must, we couldn’t afford full price daycare, plus some clothes and miscellaneous items that various agencies supply has been nice. I love all the hand me downs friends and family have given us, and they’ve been a huge help. WIC, however, felt odd- on one hand BB gets it because she is in state custody and it will pay for formula and some baby food. On the other hand, it feels like so many other people need it more than we do- I don’t want to take a resource that someone else needs. I feel the same with the things offered in the community- Christmas presents were a big one- I didn’t want or need any gifts, knowing our families were excited to provide gifts, and feeling that other kids certainly needed them more. No child we ever have will want for toys, books, food, or most importantly, love. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I face this dilemma, but for now I’ll take the benefit, get some formula, and make sure I have a happy and well fed baby and see what the upcoming days and weeks bring.

This girl does not like socks! She pulls them off within seconds of me putting them on. 

Changing Placements

I’m a jumble of thoughts and emotions as I write this. Last week Tater had court to hear a motion to move her placements- at this time it wasn’t officially approved, but that's where it is moving. The goal is to move Tater and her older siblings to a relative placement so that they’re together and with family. There are a lot of reasons for this- the goal of DCS is to place kids with family whenever possible and to keep siblings together. Currently her 3 older siblings are in 2 other foster homes, and they have seen each other 4 times in the past 7 weeks. Luckily the older kids go to the same school, so have much more frequent contact, but Tater is too little for big kid school.

The hearing was interesting, and I’m constantly learning more about how the system works. The relatives were called to the stand and questioned- and they seem like nice, loving people. They want the kids, have a 3 bedroom house, are in the process of getting beds for everyone, have toys, and are willing to do whatever they need to- transport to school, appointments, etc. They agreed to follow any rules set in place by DCS. Mitch and I even interacted with them briefly after the hearing, they introduced themselves and seem genuinely kind and I truly believe they love the kids and want to do what's best for them. I can’t fault anyone for trying so hard to keep a family together.

The flip side of that is the personal heartbreak. I will miss Tater so much. Even thinking about her leaving makes me tear up- I’m happy she will be with family, and people who will love her unconditionally and will be there forever, even when she returns to her mom. But having to say goodbye to my baby will be so hard. She has been so loved and embraced by everyone in our families- foster care is much larger than just us, and I’m realizing the ripple effects of loving a little one who is only here temporarily. 

I’m also in a weird space of being sad she’s leaving, but still having her. Visits will increase the next two weeks, then the court will reconvene and review. She’ll likely be moved by the end of next week. So I’ll keep loving her, but with a little bit of a broken heart. I also know that when we say goodbye to her, the minute we say the word, our next Potato will be here, so part of me is in that space: wondering about who is next, what will they be like? Will they be here longer? Forever? I can’t help but hope our next little one is our forever, for purely selfish reasons and not wanting to go through heartbreak again. And I’m trying to focus on the now and loving Tater, yet can’t shake a bit of jealousy for my foster friends who ended up with their forever placement from the start. I’d be lying if I didn’t wonder sometimes if we should have discussed bio kids more- at least I’d only have myself and Mitch to answer to and a million people wouldn’t be visiting my house and dictating my life and schedule.  

I like a schedule, I live and die by my calendar, and foster parenting means throwing that out the window. We’ve been notified with less than 24 hours of visits being canceled, we have no say in the scheduling of court, meeting, or most other things related to her care. We are in charge of a little person 24 hours a day, but have no actual rights to her or say in anything. It’s uncomfortable at best, and infuriating at worst. It’s especially frustrating at 4:30am when I’m holding a crying baby who can’t sleep, but I know the court is in charge of her life. Its next to impossible to plan further than a few days out, since everything is scheduled around the court and what they dictate.It’s also a little shocking that the state considers a few afternoon visits and 1 overnight a “transition plan” for 4 kids. On the flip side, we obviously had no transition and went from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. It’s a weird dichotomy and, in this case, I wish for all the kids sake, this had been done a lot sooner- the fact that it took months for the court to review their relatives for placement is so unfair to 4 little kids who deserve stability.  

It’s amazing how hard a person can love in just 7 weeks. Mitch and I have learned SO much in those weeks though, and it will make us even better parents for whoever we love next. I continue to be incredibly grateful for all the love that has been showered upon all of us and all the support our village has given us, and I’m certain it will continue as we keep on this wild road.