I’ve read enough Mommy Blogs and Foster Blogs to know there are things you’re “allowed” to say and a lot of things you aren’t. But I’ve never been one to not say something just because someone else has told me not to- especially when it comes to things I am passionate about. So this blog will be a lot less positive, and a lot more raw, and maybe a little rough. But I’m saying the things you’re not supposed to say, because if they’re not said, how will anyone know and how will anything change?
Everyone will tell you that parenting is hard. They will also tell you Foster care is hard. They are definitely right: both are super hard. They don’t tell you that sometimes it really sucks, way more than you expect it will. We said goodbye to little BB this week, with about 30 minutes notice, and the way her entire time with us was handled by DCS was a mess. The hardest part continues to be the lack of any regard for my life, schedule, or plans. Visits are scheduled when it works for the visit supervisors, not around nap time, which means I get a cranky baby who didn’t get to nap and is going to be tired all evening, but who I have to keep awake until bedtime if I want any hope of her sleeping until 6. 3am is NOT my time of day- it literally never has been and I am positive it never will be and I will do everything in my power to avoid seeing it.
Despite asking multiple times, all I ever seem to get from DCS is “the judge can decide” when it comes to an idea of length of placement, if they will move to a kinship, or anything else. While I understand the judge ultimately has the final say, what I’d like to know is what they are recommending or expecting. A quick “ultimately it’s up to the judge, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they order the kid to be moved this week” would be incredibly helpful. I don’t expect a fortune teller, but I’d like the courtesy of an honest answer rather than being treated like babysitter who has nothing going on. I’d also like to be treated like a professional and not have people show up an hour late for appointments, or just not show up at all. It's frustrating that this behavior is more common than not when it comes to DCS, at least in my experience so far.
I’m also surprised at my reaction to all of this. I’m finding myself more scared, more closed off, and not wanting to get “too attached”, whatever that means. One part of me wants to love completely and with abandon. The other knows HOW much it hurts, how hard not knowing anything is, and how much wondering I’ll do- are they ok? Are they sleeping? I hope they got their favorite blankie to snuggle with. In many ways, I’m sure this is a similar feeling to what their bio parents are feeling- they don’t know me, I’m sure they wonder if I’m nice, if I’m taking care of their baby, if their baby is safe or stuck in an office or group home. I wish there was a better way of doing all of this- and of letting bio parents know that as long as their baby is also my baby they will be loved and adored and I will do everything possible for them.
Fostering with the hope to adopt is also living in a constant battle of wants- one hand wants things to go my way, to end up with my forever, to get to the point of adoption. The other hand hates that it comes at the expense of someone else- for me to have “my” child someone else has to lose theirs. Regardless of the reason why, the number of chances they had, or any other circumstance, they have to lose their baby for me to get mine. That really sucks. Now there are lots of adoptions that remain open, contact is kept with bio families, and kids grow up being extra loved. But that doesn’t erase that they had to experience trauma, uncertainty, a new environment (often many), and countless changes. I also wonder if I’m still a mom when I don’t have a kid. I’m sans kid currently, and it’s a weird place to be. I’m preparing for another one, and I’m sure within the next two weeks there will be a new little one sleeping in the next room, but while there’s not? What am I? I have a lot of other identities and mom is a pretty new one anyway, but is it a fluid thing or is it a forever designation?
The moral of the story? The system is terribly broken and is in desperate need of a complete overhaul. It sucks, it fails kids left and right, and I wish I had a solution (and a whole lotta cash- like Bezos or Gates cash) to fix it. In the meantime, is it worth it? I hope so, some days I’m not 100% sure it is, but I really hope so. Ask me again in a year.
