As Mother’s Day approaches, my thoughts have been a lot on motherhood and what it means to be a mom. I don’t think I really know and my thoughts about it change regularly. But this week, I’m feeling trepidation. Mother’s Day, growing up, was always a simple but happy holiday- it usually involved grilling, cheesecake, and a gift of a plant. Nothing flashy, but simple and enjoyable.
I am incredibly lucky and privileged: I have a fabulous mom. She has always been great, even when I was a teenager and hated everyone and everything. But she’s been especially wonderful the past 7 months since we started Foster Care. She’s provided countless hours of babysitting, applesauce packets, and emotional support. So why trepidation? Because my life is infinitely more interesting and complicated since adding kids to it.
Overall, it's really good. The Teen is an awesome kid- she’s smart, sweet, and has a great goofy side that makes me laugh a ton. I’m really glad she’s here, but a teen is inherently more complicated than a baby or toddler. She has 14 years of life and history, which includes traditions. I love holidays and traditions, but I worry that my traditions aren’t hers and may never be. And I don’t want her feeling sad, left out, or alone. I’m working to figure out how to incorporate things she has shared, with things my family has done, and also building our own, new traditions as a family. It’s certainly not easy and I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I’m trying and so far it’s going pretty well (I think).
I often question if I’m really a mom. I’ve made up to being a parent, but for some reason “Mom” feels more intimate; like a title that has to be earned and a special club I haven’t quite figured out the secret handshake to. I will say, I’ve got the mom-guilt down pretty well. The other night the Teen woke up feeling sick- I heard someone throw up, but figured it was Mitch since that's kind of his thing. I felt so bad the next morning when I found out, it wasn’t him and didn’t get up to check. She assured me she was ok, just had a sudden upset stomach, and went back to sleep after. I still felt like I should have been there. Maybe that's part of being a mom? It’s also weird to think there are so many things in the Teens life I wasn’t there for, but also so many things in her life now that her mom isn’t around for. Her mom is the one who is missing out- she has a cool kid and she isn’t getting to see it. Foster care is so incredibly bittersweet.
I was caught off guard this weekend as well- Mitch and the Teen bought me flowers and a perfect frame filled with selfies from our hikes and bike rides and a great card. I don’t know what's up next. Nothing has gone according to plan- I didn’t think I’d have a teenager, but here we are. I don’t know if I’ll ever be her *capital letter* Mom, but I hope I can be a mom to her. I’ve told her several times- she’s stuck with me, because I’m not going anywhere and neither is she. I really love her and love this little family we’ve cobbled together. I know there will be many days full of doubt, I’ll question if I’m doing the right thing, I’ll make mistakes, but I hope that all the good continues to far outweigh that. This isn’t an easy path, but it’s worth it and I’m grateful for the way things have gone; not at all according to plan.
Mitch picked 1 rose for each kid. Good job, Mitch.
The card is so fitting.
The Teen and I switch up our looks. Mitch dresses like a park ranger 100% of the time.
