I have sat down to write this so many times, but never seem to be able to find the words. I haven’t written an update in quite some time- in large part because having 2 kids, working from home, living in a pandemic, and figuring out so many new things is exhausting. And in part because I didn’t feel I had much to say- days all blurred together and things were busy, but overall good.
All of that changed about 3 weeks ago. The Teen decided to leave. Unfortunately she didn’t tell anyone, she just left. I’ve theorized and hypothesized why she left a million times. But they are just that- theories. Because the reality is I don’t know. I may never know. And I won’t put her history or decisions out there, since that is her story to tell. What I can tell you is mine.
The first few days she was gone I was a wreck. I cried. I didn’t sleep. I reached out to literally everyone I could think of who might know where she is. I sent her a million messages. I called. I received two short messages back saying she was safe. And although that helped a little, I know my idea of safe is different than a teenager's idea of safe. I wanted her home where I knew she was safe. I wish I could say that's what happened, but that’s not how this story goes.
Sunday morning will mark 3 weeks of her being gone. I don’t believe she will be coming back, at least not anytime soon. Mitch and I have had some incredibly hard conversations. We’ve cried. We’ve questioned everything. We’ve wracked our brains searching for the “why”, but ultimately come up empty handed. We decided, for now, to close her bed. In non-foster parent terms, that means she officially doesn’t live here anymore. We packed the things she left behind and they are currently in bins and bags in her closet. Just sitting there, waiting. She hasn’t made contact with DCS, so she is considered a runaway. The harsh reality of the system is that this is common- teens in foster care run away a lot. And no one looks for them. There is a police report filed with her name, age, and physical description, but unless the police happen upon her for some other reason, they don’t look for runaways. DCS also doesn’t look for runaways. Their cases just sit on someone's desk until they turn up, either by contacting someone or by getting arrested.
From where I sit, everything about this sucks. I have no control and no legal rights. My Teen is old enough she can request where she goes or doesn’t go- so if she says she never wants to see or speak to us again, DCS will honor that. I agree with that part- it's one of the few things she can control. But it still breaks my heart. I still love her. And I wish things were different, but right now that’s all I can do. Mitch and I have made it clear to her DCS team that we are still willing to be in her life, and maybe someday down the road, she could live here again. But not right now- we have a lot of healing to do and there was a lot of damage done.
What has gotten us through this has been each other and our amazing community. From the moment we reached out or told people what happened, we have been completely embraced with love and support. Friends, family, and our licensing agency have showered us with support and it has been incredible. Honestly, I was embarrassed at first, and hopeful she would return after a couple of days- thinking she just needed a break, but would come back. I didn’t want to taint the way anyone viewed her for making a mistake, afterall she is a foster kid and foster kids have so much trauma. I also felt like a failure. What did I miss? What didn’t I do? How did I fail her?
I’m still grappling with those questions. Some days are better than others. Things are much quieter around here with just one kid. The Toddler has asked about her a few times but accepts the “she went bye bye” or “she’s not here” answers and goes about her business of playing with toys and asking for snacks. The upside is the Toddler continues to do great. She loves school, sings songs, does puzzles, and plays non-stop. She is full of energy and spunk and is cute as can be. She remains fearless and gleefully went down the very tall slide headfirst, which only made my heart skip a few beats. It’s been a welcome distraction to still have a kid who needs a lot of attention to keep us both occupied and not let us dwell too much.
I don’t know where we’ll go from here. The next few weeks we’re just going to keep on doing what we’re doing. We’ll likely be returning to in-person school soon and that brings a new set of challenges, so before we make any family decisions we’re going to see what school decisions are made and how that goes.
Thank you all for your continued love and support. Foster care definitely takes a village. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard. That said, I’m still glad we made this choice and even knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change my mind and I’d do it all again. Also, I’d like to be the star of an MTV Real Life because I think I’ve said “You think you know, but you have no idea” at least a thousand times.
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