It’s been just over a full month of two kids and three months with the Teen. All in all it's been really good, most days are a whirlwind, and I collapse into bed wondering how I can be so exhausted. The Teen continues to thrive and did Freshman Academy for 3 weeks via Zoom and earned a half credit for High School. This required she be up and on Zoom at 8am every day, for 3 weeks, and she was, with almost no reminders! I was blown away and incredibly impressed with her dedication and self motivation- even if the snarky comments were plentiful (while on mute of course). We also had to do some district level advocating for her Algebra grade, but were able to come to an agreement after what felt like a thousand emails and phone calls. She’ll start high school with 1.5 credits and has chosen several advanced courses, which I’m thrilled about. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, while the other part is just feeling super lucky that this amazing kid landed in my lap. Sometimes literally, in my lap.
The Toddler is a different type of challenge. Developmentally, she continues to be totally on track and literally talks non-stop. She has picked up fun words and phrases and loves her chickens and her T (the tortoise, Farmer T) and likes to go look for him in the yard. The kitty remains in hiding. Behaviors have changed some- we have far fewer tantrums and meltdowns, but there has been an increase in biting and pinching. The constant question in my mind: Trauma or Age? She’s almost two and fiercely independent, but she also has a trauma history; every single kid in foster care has multiple traumas, both from their lives and from the system. I don’t think there is an answer to my question other than: probably a combination of both.
One of the hardest things about foster care continues to be the system. Kids are kids and behaviors can be redirected, retaught, and replaced; that’s why we’re here. The system continues to be broken. The Toddler has been with us over a month and I have never met her DCS worker. This is not a criticism of the worker- I have received emails and she has been quick to respond if I have needed information. But she didn’t have time to do a home visit for the Toddler and her two siblings, placed in 2 other foster homes located on the opposite end of town, so she did a check in during a visit with their mom. She also took, what I am sure is much needed and well deserved, time off this month. A caseworker shouldn’t have to choose between time off and required visits, but it happens all the time. I’m sure she works well past her paid 40 hours completing reports, responding to emails, and doing a million other things. The system sucks.
Another thing I’ve noticed this time around is feeling embarrassed or judged when my kid is acting up. She’s nearly 2 and she is a bundle of energy, she is also completely fearless and a total daredevil. She has meltdowns. She hits, or bites, or pinches- especially when she is mad. This is how toddlers communicate. But I feel it more now. We’re not out in public very much, and her daycare knows she is a foster kid, but I still feel the judgment. I see the looks that say “get your kid under control” or the looks that question my reaction or response to her. Some days I want to shout and wear a sign that says “She’s a foster kid! I didn’t make this, but I’m here dealing with it and we’re doing the best we can!” but I don’t, of course. It is no one else’s business to know what she has been through or what her history is.
I so appreciate the friends I have that share their own parenting journeys and ups and downs. You make me feel SO much better! It’s incredibly comforting to know your kid also has meltdowns, touches their poop, hits and throws things, and is still ridiculously cute and sweet and funny and oh so lovable. Parenting is not easy, no matter the circumstance. Social media can be hard- especially the non-stop highlight reels that many share. But it has helped me feel connected in ways I didn’t know I needed going in to this. So keep sharing your ups and downs, friends, because I am watching and I’m with you!
And look how cute we are. I am super lucky to have such gorgeous girls.
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