New to the Crew

In mid-February we said goodbye to the Toddler and Sis as they reunified. The timeline was short, much faster than I would have preferred for a transition, but that’s what the judge ordered and he has final say in everything. So we did what we could to transition them, said goodbyes, packed their things, and on the date ordered drove them home. It was heartbreaking and wonderful all at once. I miss them terribly! But I am so happy that they got to go home. Reunification is the goal and they made it! Mom worked SO hard and did every single thing asked of her and never missed a visit or call. I hope her kids are proud of her and I hope she tells them with pride how hard she worked for them. I hope this heals some of the trauma and I really hope DCS never has reason to enter their lives again.

Last week we got The Call. We’d actually gotten 3 other calls but due to timing and/or circumstances couldn’t say yes. We were officially “open” about a week. The newest kids are both girls, aged 2 and 5. Sound familiar? Luckily not the same kids (as much as I will always love the Toddler and Sis, I really want them to be able to stay with mom and for mom to be successful). Sunny is 5 and Smiley is 2. And they truly earned those names. They are sweet as can be, beautiful, have SO much long, thick, gorgeous hair, and absolutely adore each other. They also have a brother, placed in another home. I wish we could have taken him too, especially because the girls have talked about him a lot, but right now we’re just not ready for 3 kids. Two is plenty and keeping us on our toes!

The resiliency of kids never ceases to amaze me. They’ve mentioned mommy and Smiley misses her a lot, but they’ve settled in really well. 

For me, it’s been a lot of feeling a little like Groundhog Day. Two girls, same ages, similar history (based on the very little I know), even another sibling. It’s been great and also a little sad. I miss the Toddler and Sis. We knew each other. They knew the routine and the rules. Starting over is hard- it’s a lot of work to establish a new routine, learn personalities and preferences, navigate big feelings and hard questions I don’t have answers to. Not to mention the logistics and appointments that fill the first week or so. Plus I don’t know much- no idea on a timeline, no idea if they have a family member who will be able to take them in, no idea what to expect from visits. I don’t even know when visits will take place. 

Emotionally I’m feeling drained. And physically I’m tired because kids are bottomless pits of energy and questions. I’m glad to have them and I’ll love them as long as they’re with us, but it’s hard not to feel guarded. In case you’ve lost count, they are number #7 and #8 since November 2019. That’s a lot of hellos and goodbyes in a year and a half. 

The month we had no kids was a weird mix of relaxing and entirely too quiet. I worked, a lot. Largely because I had the time and didn’t really know what to do with myself. The Toddler had been with us for 9 months, I was so used to the Get home, eat, bath, books, bed, collapse routine I literally walked around the house like a lost puppy on more than one occasion. I didn’t have to remind anyone to go potty and I was only walked in on while peeing a couple times (by Mitch. And the cat). In the past few days that number has increased again- how do kids just know when you’re in the bathroom? 

We hope to adopt. I also feel terrible for hoping. For me to adopt means another mom loses her kid forever. It means a family has to be legally dismantled and a child forever cut from their biological family. Many adoptions are able to remain open and keep ties to biological family members and I truly hope that if we do adopt we are able to do this. It’s hard. Really hard. But worth it. Adoption is trauma, no matter what, so anything I can do to help reduce or ease that is worth it. When it comes to family and our village, I am of the opinion that the more, the merrier. 

It’s also hard to not know. There is no timeline. There’s no “it’ll be soon” or the next one will be forever. In foster care it’s not forever until the judge decrees it. Adoptions fall apart all the time for a variety of reasons. I am constantly trying to find the sweet spot of loving fully but also protecting myself; honestly I don’t think it exists so I’m just loving fully and knowing I’ll hurt later. And being mostly ok with that because at least the kids who enter my home will be very loved. And I get to be a mom and enjoy all the funny and sweet moments that come with it. And I truly love that part and wouldn’t trade it, even with the rollercoaster of foster care. 

I don’t have words of wisdom but I do have non stop gratitude for my village. Not only do they love us, they love all the kids who come through. I know they feel the sadness and heartbreak too but I feel so fortunate that all our kids have been enveloped in love by so many people. 

One final selfie before they went home. 

The new crew meeting Farmer T.

Sister Sister

It’s been two weeks since Sis joined us. In many ways it feels like so much longer; maybe because we spent 5 days over Thanksgiving with her or, unlike most new kids, the first week wasn’t spent with doctors appointments and trying to gather any bit of information about her that someone shared. Since she is the toddlers full biological sister, we know the case and the plan. And in many ways it’s felt like I’ve known Sis for months- I’d seen her in the car a few times during visit pick-up, I’ve been hearing monthly updates on how she is doing since May, and I’d seen a couple of pictures. 

I’m finding I have to remind myself it’s only been two weeks- especially as I lose patience with some of her behaviors. Overall they are really minor and very age appropriate, and considering everything she has been through at just 5 years old, she’s adjusting remarkably well. But 5 is a new age for me and having two kids close in age is a huge adjustment. I’m still learning to balance their needs, what behavior to correct and what to let go, and how to referee sisters while also letting them work it out themselves. It’s a LOT. Doesn’t feel like there is time for a learning curve either- they’re 2 and 5 and here and need me. And snacks. And attention. And baths, and books, and more snacks, and dinner (every single night!), and another bath followed by more snacks. I’ve learned I have very little patience for baby talk and whining. Ironically, I was a super whiny kid... sorry about that Mom and Dad! I can wait out a pout session pretty well. And decent conditioner and detangler spray are lifesavers for Sis’ long, thick, tangled hair. 

But through the exhaustion and non-stop busyness of Christmas and short weeks of daycare, it’s been amazing to see sisters together. They truly love and adore each other. They hug and comfort each other, like playing together, have the same level of never ending energy, and same good appetites. In foster care, it usually feels like moving mountains to make anything happen. But the stars aligned for this move! Sis had a wonderful foster mom, but her license was expiring and she needed to transfer her energy to other family members in need. But she worried about Sis and didn’t want to just move her to another home and walk away. We happened to have an open bed and had been talking about officially reopening it for a new placement. We also happened to be with the same agency as Sis’ previous foster mom which made the transfer even smoother. Her other foster mom has been incredibly helpful and remains a person in her life. We were able to keep Sis at her current daycare, so she’ll continue to see her former foster sister/bestie on a daily basis and we’ll do some play dates in the future. Two daycare drop offs and pick ups every day is far from ideal for us, but one less move for Sis is worth the extra few miles. This also lets the sisters adjust to life together again before they move back to mom. They have two more siblings, in two other foster homes, so it will be a big adjustment for them all, but I do think this will help a little bit. 

Another challenge is figuring out how to give them the attention they crave, especially 1 on 1 time. With the teen, it was easy- she was home all day and loved to run errands with me, meaning when the toddler was home I could give her attention and she got 1 on 1 with bathtime and bedtime every night. Now bathtime is an adventure in itself, with arguments over the empty shampoo bottle (why do I buy toys? They just want the literal trash!) and sometimes too much splashing that leads to some stern warnings about how “next time they’ll have to get out”. Pandemic life certainly doesn’t make it easier- playdates and trips to the zoo have to be planned in advance and canceled the minute someone sneezes- I definitely long for the Pre-Covid days of spontaneity and gatherings of big groups without a second thought. Timing is not ideal, but nothing in foster care ever is, so it feels par for the course. And I figure if we can make it through foster parenting in a pandemic, we can make it through a lot. 

I’m excited to watch the girls bond continue to grow, and anxious to see where the case goes. I expect goodbye is not too far away. And I hope they can remember good times and love and not when I got impatient and short or snapped at them one too many times. I hope they’ll remember the many trips to the park and the waaaaaaaay too many presents they got for Christmas, and know they were safe and loved while their mom worked hard to get them back. Because even on the really hard days, we both love them a lot.

A Year In The Life

It's been one year since we officially became foster parents. We were licensed on a Monday and had our first little one, Tater, by Tuesday night. To say the last year has been an adventure is an understatement. Parenting is hard. Foster parenting is hard. Doing it all during a global pandemic is ridiculous and weird.

Things definitely did not go as expected (or at least not how I secretly hoped they would). Foster care rarely (ever?) goes as expected. In my dream land, we’d be well on our way to adoption right now. That is not reality. Our current little one is on the path to reunify which is both wonderful and heart breaking all at once. I want her to be back with her mom and siblings. I also want her to stay with me forever. In 1 year we’ve had 5 kids. The longest was about 7 months, but the Toddler is on track to pass that mark soon, the shortest just a week and a half. But each one left their mark.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this year. I love being a mom. Even more than I thought I would. And I love watching Mitch be a dad, but I expected that after years of watching him with our nieces and nephews. I’m happy that our parenting styles are pretty inline and our parenting disagreements are minimal. I love laughing about something the Toddler did when we go to bed and I love watching her grow and blossom. I also love when my mom picks her up on Saturdays and I get a few hours of semi-quiet, that I usually spend running errands and doing chores. My parents, as expected, have fully embraced grandparent life and have welcomed every kid with open arms.

There have been some amazing highs that come with watching kids grow. And some horrible lows, like when the Teen left. That is by far the worst thing that has happened and it still hurts, 6 weeks later. More than once (ok, a ton really) I’ve felt like a total failure. I’ve questioned if I can do this- parenting, foster parenting, working full time while parenting. So far the answer has somehow continued to be yes, but there were a few times I am not sure how. 

Visits, CFTs, court dates, home visits, and all the other appointments are frustrating and tiring. My schedule constantly changes based on the system and what is convenient for others. The foster community in Tucson is robust and wonderful and has helped keep me sane; sometimes I just need to vent to someone who gets in and has been there and can say “yep, the system sucks. You’re doing a good job, hang in there”. 

In many ways the year has flown by. I can’t imagine not having a kid (or two). “Mom” has become a huge part of my identity. I answer to shouts of “mommy!”, relate to funny Mom memes, and have plenty of gross kid anecdotes. In other ways it feels like so much more than a year has passed. Foster care can feel really lonely at times. I’ve watched multiple friends get to adopt this year and I’m both thrilled for them and their kids and insanely jealous and sad. I want my forever kid. Some days it’s hard to watch friends with bio kids, knowing their future is relatively certain. Of course anything can happen, but their kids are just that: Their kids. No one else controls their future. 

At times it’s hard to find my place; in mom circles, Foster groups, and in family groups. I never feel like I 100% belong. I don’t have any pregnancy or birth stories to swap and I don’t have a Bio kid whose place is secure and clear. I’m not Christian, like a large percentage of foster parents and I don’t have a church community that I belong to. I can’t plan too far in advance- I never know how long I’ll have “my” kid and it’s too painful to think too much into the future, because that usually means thinking about goodbye. I’m always a little bit on the outside and often feel like we’re held at arm's length, because “we” are temporary and it's hard to get close when you know it’s short term. Covid life hasn’t helped since play dates, birthday parties, foster family outings, and the like aren’t a thing currently, and my primary means of connection to other moms is online. And let's be honest, that’s a highlight reel and we all know it. 

I continue to be dismayed by the system and how broken and backwards it is. I regularly wonder what would happen if families in distress were offered significant money for housing, food, free childcare, substance abuse treatment, mental health treatment, parenting classes, and everything else the court provides when kids are taken away. The system could prevent kids from ever entering it and keep families together while also making them so much healthier and stronger in the long term. There would still be a need for foster care, but it could be so much smaller and perhaps the need could be filled entirely by families instead of by group homes

I’m once again overwhelmed with appreciation for all the support we have. I have no idea how people do this without all the help and support! Mitch and I are truly fortunate so have so many people who love us and are willing to roll with us on this wild ride. 

Once Again a Trio

I have sat down to write this so many times, but never seem to be able to find the words. I haven’t written an update in quite some time- in large part because having 2 kids, working from home, living in a pandemic, and figuring out so many new things is exhausting. And in part because I didn’t feel I had much to say- days all blurred together and things were busy, but overall good.

All of that changed about 3 weeks ago. The Teen decided to leave. Unfortunately she didn’t tell anyone, she just left. I’ve theorized and hypothesized why she left a million times. But they are just that- theories. Because the reality is I don’t know. I may never know. And I won’t put her history or decisions out there, since that is her story to tell. What I can tell you is mine.

The first few days she was gone I was a wreck. I cried. I didn’t sleep. I reached out to literally everyone I could think of who might know where she is. I sent her a million messages. I called. I received two short messages back saying she was safe. And although that helped a little, I know my idea of safe is different than a teenager's idea of safe. I wanted her home where I knew she was safe. I wish I could say that's what happened, but that’s not how this story goes. 

Sunday morning will mark 3 weeks of her being gone. I don’t believe she will be coming back, at least not anytime soon. Mitch and I have had some incredibly hard conversations. We’ve cried. We’ve questioned everything. We’ve wracked our brains searching for the “why”, but ultimately come up empty handed. We decided, for now, to close her bed. In non-foster parent terms, that means she officially doesn’t live here anymore. We packed the things she left behind and they are currently in bins and bags in her closet. Just sitting there, waiting. She hasn’t made contact with DCS, so she is considered a runaway. The harsh reality of the system is that this is common- teens in foster care run away a lot. And no one looks for them. There is a police report filed with her name, age, and physical description, but unless the police happen upon her for some other reason, they don’t look for runaways. DCS also doesn’t look for runaways. Their cases just sit on someone's desk until they turn up, either by contacting someone or by getting arrested. 

From where I sit, everything about this sucks. I have no control and no legal rights. My Teen is old enough she can request where she goes or doesn’t go- so if she says she never wants to see or speak to us again, DCS will honor that. I agree with that part- it's one of the few things she can control. But it still breaks my heart. I still love her. And I wish things were different, but right now that’s all I can do. Mitch and I have made it clear to her DCS team that we are still willing to be in her life, and maybe someday down the road, she could live here again. But not right now- we have a lot of healing to do and there was a lot of damage done.

What has gotten us through this has been each other and our amazing community. From the moment we reached out or told people what happened, we have been completely embraced with love and support. Friends, family, and our licensing agency have showered us with support and it has been incredible. Honestly, I was embarrassed at first, and hopeful she would return after a couple of days- thinking she just needed a break, but would come back. I didn’t want to taint the way anyone viewed her for making a mistake, afterall she is a foster kid and foster kids have so much trauma. I also felt like a failure. What did I miss? What didn’t I do? How did I fail her?

I’m still grappling with those questions. Some days are better than others. Things are much quieter around here with just one kid. The Toddler has asked about her a few times but accepts the “she went bye bye” or “she’s not here” answers and goes about her business of playing with toys and asking for snacks. The upside is the Toddler continues to do great. She loves school, sings songs, does puzzles, and plays non-stop. She is full of energy and spunk and is cute as can be. She remains fearless and gleefully went down the very tall slide headfirst, which only made my heart skip a few beats. It’s been a welcome distraction to still have a kid who needs a lot of attention to keep us both occupied and not let us dwell too much.

I don’t know where we’ll go from here. The next few weeks we’re just going to keep on doing what we’re doing. We’ll likely be returning to in-person school soon and that brings a new set of challenges, so before we make any family decisions we’re going to see what school decisions are made and how that goes.

Thank you all for your continued love and support. Foster care definitely takes a village. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how hard. That said, I’m still glad we made this choice and even knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change my mind and I’d do it all again. Also, I’d like to be the star of an MTV Real Life because I think I’ve said “You think you know, but you have no idea” at least a thousand times. 

Breaking News: Parenting is Hard

It’s been just over a full month of two kids and three months with the Teen. All in all it's been really good, most days are a whirlwind, and I collapse into bed wondering how I can be so exhausted. The Teen continues to thrive and did Freshman Academy for 3 weeks via Zoom and earned a half credit for High School. This required she be up and on Zoom at 8am every day, for 3 weeks, and she was, with almost no reminders! I was blown away and incredibly impressed with her dedication and self motivation- even if the snarky comments were plentiful (while on mute of course). We also had to do some district level advocating for her Algebra grade, but were able to come to an agreement after what felt like a thousand emails and phone calls. She’ll start high school with 1.5 credits and has chosen several advanced courses, which I’m thrilled about. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, while the other part is just feeling super lucky that this amazing kid landed in my lap. Sometimes literally, in my lap. 

The Toddler is a different type of challenge. Developmentally, she continues to be totally on track and literally talks non-stop. She has picked up fun words and phrases and loves her chickens and her T (the tortoise, Farmer T) and likes to go look for him in the yard. The kitty remains in hiding. Behaviors have changed some- we have far fewer tantrums and meltdowns, but there has been an increase in biting and pinching. The constant question in my mind: Trauma or Age? She’s almost two and fiercely independent, but she also has a trauma history; every single kid in foster care has multiple traumas, both from their lives and from the system. I don’t think there is an answer to my question other than: probably a combination of both.

One of the hardest things about foster care continues to be the system. Kids are kids and behaviors can be redirected, retaught, and replaced; that’s why we’re here. The system continues to be broken. The Toddler has been with us over a month and I have never met her DCS worker. This is not a criticism of the worker- I have received emails and she has been quick to respond if I have needed information. But she didn’t have time to do a home visit for the Toddler and her two siblings, placed in 2 other foster homes located on the opposite end of town, so she did a check in during a visit with their mom. She also took, what I am sure is much needed and well deserved, time off this month. A caseworker shouldn’t have to choose between time off and required visits, but it happens all the time. I’m sure she works well past her paid 40 hours completing reports, responding to emails, and doing a million other things. The system sucks.

Another thing I’ve noticed this time around is feeling embarrassed or judged when my kid is acting up. She’s nearly 2 and she is a bundle of energy, she is also completely fearless and a total daredevil. She has meltdowns. She hits, or bites, or pinches- especially when she is mad. This is how toddlers communicate. But I feel it more now. We’re not out in public very much, and her daycare knows she is a foster kid, but I still feel the judgment. I see the looks that say “get your kid under control” or the looks that question my reaction or response to her. Some days I want to shout and wear a sign that says “She’s a foster kid! I didn’t make this, but I’m here dealing with it and we’re doing the best we can!” but I don’t, of course. It is no one else’s business to know what she has been through or what her history is. 

I so appreciate the friends I have that share their own parenting journeys and ups and downs. You make me feel SO much better! It’s incredibly comforting to know your kid also has meltdowns, touches their poop, hits and throws things, and is still ridiculously cute and sweet and funny and oh so lovable. Parenting is not easy, no matter the circumstance. Social media can be hard- especially the non-stop highlight reels that many share. But it has helped me feel connected in ways I didn’t know I needed going in to this. So keep sharing your ups and downs, friends, because I am watching and I’m with you! 

And look how cute we are. I am super lucky to have such gorgeous girls. 

The Teen and The Toddler

There has been a lot happening in the Shac-A-Con house the past two weeks, and there’s been so much I’ve wanted to say. But it feels like there is no time, or at least no energy. I am so tired!

Two weeks ago we added a toddler to the mix. She is just shy of 2 and full of spunk and energy. Most of the time she’s fun and sweet: her vocabulary is excellent and she is constantly repeating and learning new words and phrases. She’s quite independent and can “do it” by herself- and NO she does not need your help. And she loves to talk! I knew adding a second kid to the mix would change things, but, as they said on MTV: You think you know, but you have no idea. And, honestly, I had no idea! 

Parenting is hard. Foster parenting is hard. Having 2 kids is hard! We’re incredibly lucky and The Teen loves The Toddler. She is super sweet and patient and loves to play and make The Toddler giggle. The Toddler loves her right back and calls for her, loves to run and give hugs, and “knock knock” and demand to “open da door” when The Teen seeks respite in her room. I truly don’t know how people do this with two young kids- you have my full admiration.

It's been an interesting learning curve and balancing act- incorporating a new kid into the family, establishing a routine for her, especially because we have all been very out of routine the past couple months, and making sure both kids are getting the attention they need. Even more so because the attention they each need is very different. All while still trying to do some work from home and keep tabs on everything happening in the world around us. Man, do I miss school! I miss my office and having a place of refuge where no one is climbing on me or watching me pee. Toddlers do not have boundaries. 

We’re also dealing with meltdowns and tantrums, mostly from The Toddler, but at least a couple have been mine. There have been super high highs- like getting her to bed with no crying or screaming- and very low lows- like feeling like an absolute failure as she screams louder and longer than I thought humanly possible and having no idea what to do to comfort her because all my tricks were rejected or failed. These have not been my best two weeks. I’ve felt like a failure in more ways than I can even count and in every role in my life- mom, wife, friend, counselor. I’ve cried and questioned if I can do this. I decided we needed to enroll The Toddler in daycare for all of our sake and I think it will help for everyone to get a break and to be able to quietly get work and school done while she runs around with other kids and releases some energy.  

But there have been successes too: bedtime is getting easier, my relationship with The Teen is continuing to grow and I continually remind her this is forever- she is stuck with us and we’re not going anywhere. And I’m so lucky to have an incredible partner. I love watching Mitch be a dad- sometimes he fumbles and I know he’s had his moments of feeling like a failure too (a hard “mommy” phase happening doesn’t help) but he’s really good at it. He’s goofy and caring and is very active in parenting. Our families are also wonderful and continue to embrace and love every kid who enters our home. We couldn’t do this alone, and we’re fortunate to not have to. 

I don’t know how long The Toddler will be with us- her mom is working her case plan and wants reunification, which is wonderful. I’m so happy she has a mom that loves her and wants to get her back. I truly hope mom can do what is required by DCS and is successful in reunifying. Until then, we’ll love her too and take care of her, and work through the tantrums and meltdowns. Hopefully she’ll learn some more coping skills and the meltdowns will decrease as our skills increase and we better learn how to help her. We’ll keep at it regardless. She redeems herself quite often- like when she asks for lotion (she’s obsessed with lotion) or squeals with delight as she rides her bike or swims in the pool. She really is fun. I suspect this will be a summer of more firsts for us as we continue to navigate having two kids. Hard to believe that 7 months ago we were a family of 2 and now we’re a family of 4. Clearly there is no predicting 2020. 

Mother’s Day

As Mother’s Day approaches, my thoughts have been a lot on motherhood and what it means to be a mom. I don’t think I really know and my thoughts about it change regularly. But this week, I’m feeling trepidation. Mother’s Day, growing up, was always a simple but happy holiday- it usually involved grilling, cheesecake, and a gift of a plant. Nothing flashy, but simple and enjoyable. 

I am incredibly lucky and privileged: I have a fabulous mom. She has always been great, even when I was a teenager and hated everyone and everything. But she’s been especially wonderful the past 7 months since we started Foster Care. She’s provided countless hours of babysitting, applesauce packets, and emotional support. So why trepidation? Because my life is infinitely more interesting and complicated since adding kids to it.

Overall, it's really good. The Teen is an awesome kid- she’s smart, sweet, and has a great goofy side that makes me laugh a ton. I’m really glad she’s here, but a teen is inherently more complicated than a baby or toddler. She has 14 years of life and history, which includes traditions. I love holidays and traditions, but I worry that my traditions aren’t hers and may never be. And I don’t want her feeling sad, left out, or alone. I’m working to figure out how to incorporate things she has shared, with things my family has done, and also building our own, new traditions as a family. It’s certainly not easy and I don’t have it all figured out yet, but I’m trying and so far it’s going pretty well (I think).

I often question if I’m really a mom. I’ve made up to being a parent, but for some reason “Mom” feels more intimate; like a title that has to be earned and a special club I haven’t quite figured out the secret handshake to. I will say, I’ve got the mom-guilt down pretty well. The other night the Teen woke up feeling sick- I heard someone throw up, but figured it was Mitch since that's kind of his thing. I felt so bad the next morning when I found out, it wasn’t him and didn’t get up to check. She assured me she was ok, just had a sudden upset stomach, and went back to sleep after. I still felt like I should have been there. Maybe that's part of being a mom? It’s also weird to think there are so many things in the Teens life I wasn’t there for, but also so many things in her life now that her mom isn’t around for. Her mom is the one who is missing out- she has a cool kid and she isn’t getting to see it. Foster care is so incredibly bittersweet. 

I was caught off guard this weekend as well- Mitch and the Teen bought me flowers and a perfect frame filled with selfies from our hikes and bike rides and a great card. I don’t know what's up next. Nothing has gone according to plan- I didn’t think I’d have a teenager, but here we are. I don’t know if I’ll ever be her *capital letter* Mom, but I hope I can be a mom to her. I’ve told her several times- she’s stuck with me, because I’m not going anywhere and neither is she. I really love her and love this little family we’ve cobbled together. I know there will be many days full of doubt, I’ll question if I’m doing the right thing, I’ll make mistakes, but I hope that all the good continues to far outweigh that. This isn’t an easy path, but it’s worth it and I’m grateful for the way things have gone; not at all according to plan. 

Mitch picked 1 rose for each kid. Good job, Mitch.

The card is so fitting.

The Teen and I switch up our looks. Mitch dresses like a park ranger 100% of the time.