Parenting in the Time of Covid

Everything is weird. This past month has been a lot. School is closed and learning to work from home has been a huge challenge. Add to that a teenager who is learning to do school from home and learning a whole new family and household. 

Parenting is hard in the best of circumstances. Partnering kids with trauma is really hard. Parenting a kid with trauma during a global pandemic is hard and weird and baffling at times. 

Parenting a teen is brand new territory for us. We work with teens, which is helpful, but having one at home is very different. Overall the month has gone really well and we’re settling in. Being locked up and forced to spend way more time than expected together has its benefits- we’ve gotten to have some great conversations and done some hiking and bike riding. The weather is perfect so it’s been nice to have dinners outside and at least have the doors open. 

In many ways a teen is much easier than a toddler. I don’t have to watch her every moment or worry what she’ll find next. She can entertain herself, feed herself, bathe herself. I can remind her to do school work and she knows what and how to do it- she’s very smart and has big goals for her future. Sometimes it feels too easy! But the concerns are bigger and conversations more important. And more awkward. 

But it’s also exhausting. We’re all yearning to be out in the world again. We all miss school and routine. We’re all going stir crazy. And with a lot of time comes time to think. And overthinking is something I excel at. 

I’ve been doubting my parenting skills, doubting if I can do this. Not sure what I’ve gotten myself (and Mitch) into- can we handle this? Are we prepared? Can we actually do this? Teens come with a lot of history and teens in DCS come with a lot of trauma history. I hope we can. I know this isn’t an easy path, but a part of me still hoped it would be easy. It’s not easy. And if it were, we wouldn’t be doing it right. 

I’ve been fortunate that the foster community is wonderful- I’ve been able to reach out to literal strangers for pep talks and support and leave the conversation feeling like I’ve known them forever. I was extra worried about adding a teen to the mix since most of my go-to supports are also in the toddler/ pre-school stage of parenting. I don’t know many parents of teens! But those I know have embraced me and those I’m meeting are fabulous. I’m so grateful for the advice, support, and commiseration! 

We’re learning. We’re trying. We’re hoping things will go back to normal, or close to it, soon. Until then, and I’m sure after then, we’ll keep trying to figure this out. 

Big Changes

There have been some big changes in Casa Shac-a-Con. Namely, we have a teenager now. It started a few weeks ago; Mitch had an 8th grader who mentioned she was in foster care and was very unhappy in her current home. This alone didn’t seem crazy- what 14 year old doesn’t hate their parents at some point? Then things escalated, her current home wasn’t working and she ended up in a group home. At this point, I decided that we needed to do whatever we could to get her moved into our house. Our licensing agency is fantastic and got right on it- they contacted DCS, submitted an amendment to our license and got it fast-tracked, and got us contact info to arrange some visits. We took The Teen out to dinner on Friday (after buying shoes because there was a shoe crisis) and then brought her to the house to check it out Sunday and discuss if this seemed like something she wanted to do. She agreed, and Wednesday we picked her up from DCS and officially became foster parents to a teenager. It’s been a whirlwind of a week.

We have moved furniture, emptied an office and turned it into a baby room (I also decided to repaint the room because Spring Break). We got a bed, took her shopping for sheets and a comforter, got a dresser and nightstand, and magically we have a room fit for a big kid. And a new room fit for a little one. And a desk in the bedroom, plus another temporarily in the living room as we prep for “distance learning” and what that means for all of us.

So far, it’s been a smooth transition. I fully recognize we’re in a honeymoon and we’re in an odd situation since school is closed and we’re social distancing. The first few days included errands, picking up needed items, and unpacking, so we’re just starting on actual distancing and staying home.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous and feeling under-prepared. But from what I know from my friends with teens, that’s par for the course. We got her a phone and she’s in love with it and is happy to be back in contact with all her friends. She’s also taught us some fun tricks that Alexa can do. And last night we enjoyed dinner and making s’mores on the roof deck while she showed us pictures and videos of her friends and family: it was a really good night. 

We’re in uncharted territory, in so many ways, but I think we’re as prepared as we can be and I’m sure we’ll learn a lot along the way.

Also, we bought her color lights for her room that Alexa controls. They’re pretty cool. 

It’s So Easy To Fall In Love

Loving on kids is easy. It’s by far the easiest part of fostering. Goodbyes are the hardest, but dealing with “The System” is a close second. The current struggle: we know our current nugget, a darling 18 month old girl, will likely be a short placement because she is Native American.

For those who aren’t familiar with the system, Native American children have extra protections in place with ICWA (Indian Children’s Welfare Act). For lots of really racist and terrible reasons, native children were being removed and placed in the foster system at much higher rates than white children. In the late 1970s this was finally recognized and protections were put into place to keep native children with their families, relatives, or other native families. The law is a good thing- it helps keep native kids with their tribes or other Native American families and helps protect cultures and traditions that were nearly destroyed. We are not an ICWA home: not because we wouldn’t be more than willing, but we are not native and no matter how hard we worked to keep her connected to her tribe and culture, we will never be Native American and if she can remain connected through a tribal placement, she deserves that. 

I would love to keep this little nugget longer- she is a little delayed in speech but getting better every day. It’s been just over a week with her and she’s got a few words, has learned to sign “more” and “all done” and is really blossoming. We’ve also got her off the pacifier except at night and naptime (I’m good with that compromise). She can say kitty and puppy and responds to commands and questions with head shakes or nods. She’s also comfortable going to bed now- the first few days were filled with crying and major separation anxiety, but that has all but disappeared; she’s learned that we’ll come back if we leave the room or house, and if she cries at night or when she wakes up in the morning, someone will come to her. It’s amazing how quickly she has learned to trust and gives me a lot of hope for her future relationships with caretakers.

Mitch and I have also hit a good stride. We’ve been lucky with getting generally happy babies and we’re fortunate to be able to give them so much attention and be able to work on things like language development and surround them with books and exploratory toys. We’ve gotten our routine pretty well figured out, developed common language, and have come together as a team. Dare I say, we’re kinda nailing it? I’m genuinely impressed at how well we’ve both taken to parenting and how natural it feels. And I’m not even a little sad we didn’t do the newborn thing, because waking up every 2-3 hours sounds awful and I don’t want to do it.

For the sake of balance, there are things I am not great at. Feeding my kid (or my husband) vegetables. Toddler hair. This nugget has SO much hair! And she has about 10 seconds of stand still time. My hair game has never been strong. I do not come from a long line of hair-doers. I screamed and cried as a child when my hair was touched. I wore curly bangs in high school. I still don’t really know what I’m doing. Sorry any kid of mine, you will not be the kid with the cute hair do. 

This week could bring more changes and another goodbye. Or not. It’s foster care, so who knows! 

The Things You're Not Supposed To Say

I’ve read enough Mommy Blogs and Foster Blogs to know there are things you’re “allowed” to say and a lot of things you aren’t. But I’ve never been one to not say something just because someone else has told me not to- especially when it comes to things I am passionate about. So this blog will be a lot less positive, and a lot more raw, and maybe a little rough. But I’m saying the things you’re not supposed to say, because if they’re not said, how will anyone know and how will anything change? 

Everyone will tell you that parenting is hard. They will also tell you Foster care is hard. They are definitely right: both are super hard. They don’t tell you that sometimes it really sucks, way more than you expect it will. We said goodbye to little BB this week, with about 30 minutes notice, and the way her entire time with us was handled by DCS was a mess. The hardest part continues to be the lack of any regard for my life, schedule, or plans. Visits are scheduled when it works for the visit supervisors, not around nap time, which means I get a cranky baby who didn’t get to nap and is going to be tired all evening, but who I have to keep awake until bedtime if I want any hope of her sleeping until 6. 3am is NOT my time of day- it literally never has been and I am positive it never will be and I will do everything in my power to avoid seeing it.

Despite asking multiple times, all I ever seem to get from DCS is “the judge can decide” when it comes to an idea of length of placement, if they will move to a kinship, or anything else. While I understand the judge ultimately has the final say, what I’d like to know is what they are recommending or expecting. A quick “ultimately it’s up to the judge, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they order the kid to be moved this week” would be incredibly helpful. I don’t expect a fortune teller, but I’d like the courtesy of an honest answer rather than being treated like babysitter who has nothing going on. I’d also like to be treated like a professional and not have people show up an hour late for appointments, or just not show up at all. It's frustrating that this behavior is more common than not when it comes to DCS, at least in my experience so far. 

I’m also surprised at my reaction to all of this. I’m finding myself more scared, more closed off, and not wanting to get “too attached”, whatever that means. One part of me wants to love completely and with abandon. The other knows HOW much it hurts, how hard not knowing anything is, and how much wondering I’ll do- are they ok? Are they sleeping? I hope they got their favorite blankie to snuggle with. In many ways, I’m sure this is a similar feeling to what their bio parents are feeling- they don’t know me, I’m sure they wonder if I’m nice, if I’m taking care of their baby, if their baby is safe or stuck in an office or group home. I wish there was a better way of doing all of this- and of letting bio parents know that as long as their baby is also my baby they will be loved and adored and I will do everything possible for them.

Fostering with the hope to adopt is also living in a constant battle of wants- one hand wants things to go my way, to end up with my forever, to get to the point of adoption. The other hand hates that it comes at the expense of someone else- for me to have “my” child someone else has to lose theirs. Regardless of the reason why, the number of chances they had, or any other circumstance, they have to lose their baby for me to get mine. That really sucks. Now there are lots of adoptions that remain open, contact is kept with bio families, and kids grow up being extra loved. But that doesn’t erase that they had to experience trauma, uncertainty, a new environment (often many), and countless changes. I also wonder if I’m still a mom when I don’t have a kid. I’m sans kid currently, and it’s a weird place to be. I’m preparing for another one, and I’m sure within the next two weeks there will be a new little one sleeping in the next room, but while there’s not? What am I? I have a lot of other identities and mom is a pretty new one anyway, but is it a fluid thing or is it a forever designation? 

The moral of the story? The system is terribly broken and is in desperate need of a complete overhaul. It sucks, it fails kids left and right, and I wish I had a solution (and a whole lotta cash- like Bezos or Gates cash) to fix it. In the meantime, is it worth it? I hope so, some days I’m not 100% sure it is, but I really hope so. Ask me again in a year. 

Not My First Rodeo

On Monday we got a new little one- this time we got delivery! She arrived about 7:30 at night- crying and tired and I’m sure completely confused and scared. It's been a few days and she’s settling in really well. And I’m noticing a change in myself too- I’m less anxious, more confidant, and feeling less lost. I’ve only gotten up to check to see if she’s breathing like twice! And this little BB is younger than Tater- just 8 months old- and honestly that's been a relief. She wiggles and scoots, but doesn’t walk or crawl yet so she’s easier to keep an eye on while also doing little things, like putting clothes away or washing dishes. And she’s been a good napper!

We brought her in to the pediatrician and were asked if we had bio kids because it seemed like we had done this before- I gotta say it felt good to not come off like a deer in headlights. I also feel a little better about the unknown. It’s still hard not knowing what each day will bring, in regards to DCS and the future of this little one. Parenting her is easy- she’s sweet and loveable, with big bright eyes and a darling little smile. She’s a little behind on a few milestones, but not significantly, and it’ll be stuff we can work with her on and catch her up, given time. But I don’t know yet if we have time- so far I know next to nothing about our little BB. I’ve made some calls and sent some emails but the info is limited.

The hardest part is going back to my life and schedule no longer being mine. A new barrage of case workers are calling and visiting, asking for the same updates, and calling at the last minute to inform me of visits, court dates, etc. And I’ll still be left wondering how long we’ll have her- a few days? Weeks? Years? Right now I have no idea if there are relatives who might be placement options or what sort of case plan her parents will have. It’s exhausting to juggle all of the things that go into a baby plus foster care plus having no timeline. 

We had about a week and a half of no baby. Part of that included traveling out of state, so it felt like only a few real days sans baby. Honestly, it was nice and a much needed break. I slept all night. Didn’t have to pack a lunch for someone else, didn’t have to get out the door in time to get to daycare and then work, and got to do nothing when I got home (after lysoling the hell out of everything to kill this cold virus). But it was also a little sad. I missed Tater. While we were traveling, there was a little guy her same age at the family events and during a moment of silence in the Bar Mitzvah service he made happy talking sounds and I lost it. My Tater would have done the same thing and had a great time. I missed my baby. Knowing I’m entering that again sucks. I want to love and bond with BB and play and watch her grow. And I wonder if I’ll love her as much as I love Tater. I hope I do. And I hope I get time with her. 

I’m also up for another first- going to WIC. I didn’t go with Tater since the only thing I was adding to my usual grocery list was milk and applesauce, but BB is on formula and that’s pricey! I’ve taken advantage of some of the resources for foster kids, but it feels a little weird. Mitch and I have discussed it a few times- we know we have a lot of privilege and entered into this with the knowledge that we could financially afford it. Utilizing daycare services has been a must, we couldn’t afford full price daycare, plus some clothes and miscellaneous items that various agencies supply has been nice. I love all the hand me downs friends and family have given us, and they’ve been a huge help. WIC, however, felt odd- on one hand BB gets it because she is in state custody and it will pay for formula and some baby food. On the other hand, it feels like so many other people need it more than we do- I don’t want to take a resource that someone else needs. I feel the same with the things offered in the community- Christmas presents were a big one- I didn’t want or need any gifts, knowing our families were excited to provide gifts, and feeling that other kids certainly needed them more. No child we ever have will want for toys, books, food, or most importantly, love. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I face this dilemma, but for now I’ll take the benefit, get some formula, and make sure I have a happy and well fed baby and see what the upcoming days and weeks bring.

This girl does not like socks! She pulls them off within seconds of me putting them on. 

Changing Placements

I’m a jumble of thoughts and emotions as I write this. Last week Tater had court to hear a motion to move her placements- at this time it wasn’t officially approved, but that's where it is moving. The goal is to move Tater and her older siblings to a relative placement so that they’re together and with family. There are a lot of reasons for this- the goal of DCS is to place kids with family whenever possible and to keep siblings together. Currently her 3 older siblings are in 2 other foster homes, and they have seen each other 4 times in the past 7 weeks. Luckily the older kids go to the same school, so have much more frequent contact, but Tater is too little for big kid school.

The hearing was interesting, and I’m constantly learning more about how the system works. The relatives were called to the stand and questioned- and they seem like nice, loving people. They want the kids, have a 3 bedroom house, are in the process of getting beds for everyone, have toys, and are willing to do whatever they need to- transport to school, appointments, etc. They agreed to follow any rules set in place by DCS. Mitch and I even interacted with them briefly after the hearing, they introduced themselves and seem genuinely kind and I truly believe they love the kids and want to do what's best for them. I can’t fault anyone for trying so hard to keep a family together.

The flip side of that is the personal heartbreak. I will miss Tater so much. Even thinking about her leaving makes me tear up- I’m happy she will be with family, and people who will love her unconditionally and will be there forever, even when she returns to her mom. But having to say goodbye to my baby will be so hard. She has been so loved and embraced by everyone in our families- foster care is much larger than just us, and I’m realizing the ripple effects of loving a little one who is only here temporarily. 

I’m also in a weird space of being sad she’s leaving, but still having her. Visits will increase the next two weeks, then the court will reconvene and review. She’ll likely be moved by the end of next week. So I’ll keep loving her, but with a little bit of a broken heart. I also know that when we say goodbye to her, the minute we say the word, our next Potato will be here, so part of me is in that space: wondering about who is next, what will they be like? Will they be here longer? Forever? I can’t help but hope our next little one is our forever, for purely selfish reasons and not wanting to go through heartbreak again. And I’m trying to focus on the now and loving Tater, yet can’t shake a bit of jealousy for my foster friends who ended up with their forever placement from the start. I’d be lying if I didn’t wonder sometimes if we should have discussed bio kids more- at least I’d only have myself and Mitch to answer to and a million people wouldn’t be visiting my house and dictating my life and schedule.  

I like a schedule, I live and die by my calendar, and foster parenting means throwing that out the window. We’ve been notified with less than 24 hours of visits being canceled, we have no say in the scheduling of court, meeting, or most other things related to her care. We are in charge of a little person 24 hours a day, but have no actual rights to her or say in anything. It’s uncomfortable at best, and infuriating at worst. It’s especially frustrating at 4:30am when I’m holding a crying baby who can’t sleep, but I know the court is in charge of her life. Its next to impossible to plan further than a few days out, since everything is scheduled around the court and what they dictate.It’s also a little shocking that the state considers a few afternoon visits and 1 overnight a “transition plan” for 4 kids. On the flip side, we obviously had no transition and went from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. It’s a weird dichotomy and, in this case, I wish for all the kids sake, this had been done a lot sooner- the fact that it took months for the court to review their relatives for placement is so unfair to 4 little kids who deserve stability.  

It’s amazing how hard a person can love in just 7 weeks. Mitch and I have learned SO much in those weeks though, and it will make us even better parents for whoever we love next. I continue to be incredibly grateful for all the love that has been showered upon all of us and all the support our village has given us, and I’m certain it will continue as we keep on this wild road. 

Foster Care is So Bittersweet

Tomorrow marks 5 weeks of parenting and life with Tater. It has flown by! It amazes me how quickly our lives and hearts expanded to let her in. In many ways it feels like she's always been a part of our family. Overall, I’m pretty impressed with Mitch and myself and our parenting- we’re far from perfect and learning constantly- but I think we’re doing a pretty good job. One of the best parts of this journey has been watching Mitch be a dad; he is amazing at it- he's funny, sweet, caring, and silly, and I’m loving parenting with him.

I’m learning that parenting and fostering are often the same thing, and sometimes they’re very different. I love Tater and I would keep her in a heartbeat, but that's not what we signed up for and she has a mom and extended family that love her and want her too. Its bittersweet but I’m glad for her sake that she is so loved and wanted. There is a petition to move her to a relative that will be heard by the court on January 2nd. My mama heart homes she gets to stay with us longer- I know she’s not our forever but even the thought of saying goodbye already breaks my heart. But that's the foster part of the equation- day to day we’re her parents, but in the grand scheme of her life we’re fostering her while her original family can do what they need so she can return to them. 

Until about a week ago I knew very little about her family, but during a CFT (team meeting) conference call, her mom was part of it. It surprised me how good it felt to hear her talk about her baby- she cried and asked questions, then laughed a bit and agreed that Tater isn’t a fan of naps but loves the car. I could feel her love for her baby, and it was nice. I knew Tater was loved- she knew how to brush teeth, was a pro at bathtime, likes to play and is sweet and friendly: hallmarks of being a very loved baby. But hearing her mom say how much she loves her and misses her was good- I want Tater to be loved and I’m glad her mom wants her back. I never want her to think for even a moment she wasn’t wanted- it's the opposite, she is so wanted! 

I know this process will break my heart, but I’m hoping it will also help families get back together. I truly believe in reunification and I’ve worked with kids long enough to know it really is what kids and families want and what is best for them. But the selfish part of me wishes I didn’t have to do it- that I could just get lucky and end up with my forever sooner rather than later. And a little piece of me is scared of the unknown- what if the next little one isn’t as fun or sweet? What if she cries all the time or never sleeps? But what if she’s great in her own way? I’m sure she will be and I know I’ll love her too. And I’ll keep hoping that whatever happens with Tater, it's the best for her. I know she won’t remember her time here or who we are, but I hope she remembers being so loved and can keep that feeling with her forever, even when our names and faces are long gone.