Breaking News: Parenting is Hard

It’s been just over a full month of two kids and three months with the Teen. All in all it's been really good, most days are a whirlwind, and I collapse into bed wondering how I can be so exhausted. The Teen continues to thrive and did Freshman Academy for 3 weeks via Zoom and earned a half credit for High School. This required she be up and on Zoom at 8am every day, for 3 weeks, and she was, with almost no reminders! I was blown away and incredibly impressed with her dedication and self motivation- even if the snarky comments were plentiful (while on mute of course). We also had to do some district level advocating for her Algebra grade, but were able to come to an agreement after what felt like a thousand emails and phone calls. She’ll start high school with 1.5 credits and has chosen several advanced courses, which I’m thrilled about. Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, while the other part is just feeling super lucky that this amazing kid landed in my lap. Sometimes literally, in my lap. 

The Toddler is a different type of challenge. Developmentally, she continues to be totally on track and literally talks non-stop. She has picked up fun words and phrases and loves her chickens and her T (the tortoise, Farmer T) and likes to go look for him in the yard. The kitty remains in hiding. Behaviors have changed some- we have far fewer tantrums and meltdowns, but there has been an increase in biting and pinching. The constant question in my mind: Trauma or Age? She’s almost two and fiercely independent, but she also has a trauma history; every single kid in foster care has multiple traumas, both from their lives and from the system. I don’t think there is an answer to my question other than: probably a combination of both.

One of the hardest things about foster care continues to be the system. Kids are kids and behaviors can be redirected, retaught, and replaced; that’s why we’re here. The system continues to be broken. The Toddler has been with us over a month and I have never met her DCS worker. This is not a criticism of the worker- I have received emails and she has been quick to respond if I have needed information. But she didn’t have time to do a home visit for the Toddler and her two siblings, placed in 2 other foster homes located on the opposite end of town, so she did a check in during a visit with their mom. She also took, what I am sure is much needed and well deserved, time off this month. A caseworker shouldn’t have to choose between time off and required visits, but it happens all the time. I’m sure she works well past her paid 40 hours completing reports, responding to emails, and doing a million other things. The system sucks.

Another thing I’ve noticed this time around is feeling embarrassed or judged when my kid is acting up. She’s nearly 2 and she is a bundle of energy, she is also completely fearless and a total daredevil. She has meltdowns. She hits, or bites, or pinches- especially when she is mad. This is how toddlers communicate. But I feel it more now. We’re not out in public very much, and her daycare knows she is a foster kid, but I still feel the judgment. I see the looks that say “get your kid under control” or the looks that question my reaction or response to her. Some days I want to shout and wear a sign that says “She’s a foster kid! I didn’t make this, but I’m here dealing with it and we’re doing the best we can!” but I don’t, of course. It is no one else’s business to know what she has been through or what her history is. 

I so appreciate the friends I have that share their own parenting journeys and ups and downs. You make me feel SO much better! It’s incredibly comforting to know your kid also has meltdowns, touches their poop, hits and throws things, and is still ridiculously cute and sweet and funny and oh so lovable. Parenting is not easy, no matter the circumstance. Social media can be hard- especially the non-stop highlight reels that many share. But it has helped me feel connected in ways I didn’t know I needed going in to this. So keep sharing your ups and downs, friends, because I am watching and I’m with you! 

And look how cute we are. I am super lucky to have such gorgeous girls. 

The Teen and The Toddler

There has been a lot happening in the Shac-A-Con house the past two weeks, and there’s been so much I’ve wanted to say. But it feels like there is no time, or at least no energy. I am so tired!

Two weeks ago we added a toddler to the mix. She is just shy of 2 and full of spunk and energy. Most of the time she’s fun and sweet: her vocabulary is excellent and she is constantly repeating and learning new words and phrases. She’s quite independent and can “do it” by herself- and NO she does not need your help. And she loves to talk! I knew adding a second kid to the mix would change things, but, as they said on MTV: You think you know, but you have no idea. And, honestly, I had no idea! 

Parenting is hard. Foster parenting is hard. Having 2 kids is hard! We’re incredibly lucky and The Teen loves The Toddler. She is super sweet and patient and loves to play and make The Toddler giggle. The Toddler loves her right back and calls for her, loves to run and give hugs, and “knock knock” and demand to “open da door” when The Teen seeks respite in her room. I truly don’t know how people do this with two young kids- you have my full admiration.

It's been an interesting learning curve and balancing act- incorporating a new kid into the family, establishing a routine for her, especially because we have all been very out of routine the past couple months, and making sure both kids are getting the attention they need. Even more so because the attention they each need is very different. All while still trying to do some work from home and keep tabs on everything happening in the world around us. Man, do I miss school! I miss my office and having a place of refuge where no one is climbing on me or watching me pee. Toddlers do not have boundaries. 

We’re also dealing with meltdowns and tantrums, mostly from The Toddler, but at least a couple have been mine. There have been super high highs- like getting her to bed with no crying or screaming- and very low lows- like feeling like an absolute failure as she screams louder and longer than I thought humanly possible and having no idea what to do to comfort her because all my tricks were rejected or failed. These have not been my best two weeks. I’ve felt like a failure in more ways than I can even count and in every role in my life- mom, wife, friend, counselor. I’ve cried and questioned if I can do this. I decided we needed to enroll The Toddler in daycare for all of our sake and I think it will help for everyone to get a break and to be able to quietly get work and school done while she runs around with other kids and releases some energy.  

But there have been successes too: bedtime is getting easier, my relationship with The Teen is continuing to grow and I continually remind her this is forever- she is stuck with us and we’re not going anywhere. And I’m so lucky to have an incredible partner. I love watching Mitch be a dad- sometimes he fumbles and I know he’s had his moments of feeling like a failure too (a hard “mommy” phase happening doesn’t help) but he’s really good at it. He’s goofy and caring and is very active in parenting. Our families are also wonderful and continue to embrace and love every kid who enters our home. We couldn’t do this alone, and we’re fortunate to not have to. 

I don’t know how long The Toddler will be with us- her mom is working her case plan and wants reunification, which is wonderful. I’m so happy she has a mom that loves her and wants to get her back. I truly hope mom can do what is required by DCS and is successful in reunifying. Until then, we’ll love her too and take care of her, and work through the tantrums and meltdowns. Hopefully she’ll learn some more coping skills and the meltdowns will decrease as our skills increase and we better learn how to help her. We’ll keep at it regardless. She redeems herself quite often- like when she asks for lotion (she’s obsessed with lotion) or squeals with delight as she rides her bike or swims in the pool. She really is fun. I suspect this will be a summer of more firsts for us as we continue to navigate having two kids. Hard to believe that 7 months ago we were a family of 2 and now we’re a family of 4. Clearly there is no predicting 2020.