The First 48

We’ve been foster parents for 2 nights so far and mostly it feels surreal. On one hand it kind of feels like babysitting. And on the other I can tell my life has totally changed. It’s definitely not easy and we’re all tired. 

I don’t know how long we’ll have this little tater. I hope it’s a while because she’s been fabulous and so much fun. But even if it’s a short time, she’ll always be our first, and in less than 48 hours she’s made her mark.  

I’m incredibly happy she is a happy baby- likes to play, smiles and babbles, is quickly learning how to use a sippy cup, and is so easy to love. I’m also blown away by Mitch. I knew he’d be amazing, but he’s extra amazing. On night two I had tickets to a play. I debated not going but he knew I really wanted to see the show and encouraged me to go. I did a diaper change and got her in jammies and said goodbye. I felt guilty leaving him but he’s a pro. Bedtime has been a little rough- we don’t have a routine yet and we don’t know what her routine was- so there’s been a lot of crying. But both nights he’s managed to get her to sleep- what can I say, the man knows sleep. 

Just in the past few days I’ve gone through about a million emotions. I can already tell this is going to be a really hard journey. I selfishly want a little tater to call my own. But I knew when I signed on to this that foster care isn’t about me- it’s about all the kids and families who are in the system. And that means putting my selfish wants on the back burner. I’m confident at some point we’ll have a little tater that’s ours forever- but I have no idea what that road will look like. In the meantime I’m going to enjoy the little tater we have now- and learn how to be a mom (that word also doesn’t feel real). 

I’m so glad to have a partner in this. Major shout out to the single parents out there- just 48 hours in and I can’t imagine going solo. I couldn’t ask for a better partner either- we make a good team. 

Blog: Next stop: Babytown!

We officially passed our home inspection yesterday. This was our 2nd inspection- we didn’t pass the first one, despite having a walk through and asking what felt like a million questions, because our hot tub wasn’t “disconnected from power”. No one really seemed to know exactly what that meant. It was empty, covered, and locked, but still connected to the breaker. Now, thanks to a kind friend, the breaker was completely removed. So we passed. Finally.

Next up- our agency will submit everything to the state, the state will review it, hopefully not ask for anything else, and issue our license. This can take up to 30 days, but usually is faster. Then, we will be officially open for a placement. 

In case you were wondering, here are all the other things we’ve done so far:

6 weeks of classes, plus roughly 30 hours of online trainings; CPR/First Aid certification; a 20 page application; 5 recommendations from friends and family; a 4 page “family support plan”; physicians statements including a list of medications, all medical diagnosis, and purpose of any medication; we did a 1.5 hour interview together, individual hour long interviews, and have talked about our plans for discipline more times than I can count (we have never planned to use physical punishment- but we’ve had to sign multiple papers and state this several times out loud. I promise, no physical punishment!). We also had to provide copies of our teaching and counseling certificates, fingerprint clearance cards, drivers licenses, marriage license, car registrations, car insurance, list of all the places we’ve lived in the past 10 years, list of all employment in the past 10 years, and explanation of any gaps of even a day. There is probably more, but honestly I can't remember.

It has been trying at times, especially not passing the home inspection the first time, and I know it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. There have been a few tears and minor meltdowns, but being so close feels remarkably good. 

More than once during this process I thought about all the hoops we’ve had to jump through to foster a child. And even more, how if even part of this energy were put into families at risk that fewer children would need foster homes. Instead of having foster families fill out 4 different versions of a family support plan, put supports in homes- have a worker spend 3-4 hours developing a support plan with a parent who needs help, provide free and easily accessible parenting courses to anyone who wants them, provide addiction support and services for free for everyone- not just people who are court ordered or have successfully navigated the system to finally get insurance. I could go on- our system is horribly broken and doesn’t provide any meaningful prevention services. I’m excited to foster and hopefully adopt, and I think foster care will always be important and needed, I just hope some day it's needed less because we’ve worked to identify and reduce risk factors. 

I know there are many more sleepless nights ahead, but soon those nights will be from a small child and not just stress and anxiety (I’m sure we’ll still have those nights too… just more sleepless nights all around). 

Road to Fostering: Shit is Getting Real

Shit Is Getting Real

This week things are starting to feel very real. We completed Part 1 of our Home Study and scheduled Part 2. Our licensing worker is putting in the request for our inspection, and I did another mountain of paperwork and gathering of millions of documents. All that is left is a few more documents, passing the home inspection, and the state reviewing everything.

It's been exciting and stressful. We’ve had a lot more conversations about parenting style, what we like or dislike about how other people parent, and what we want to incorporate into our own parenting. I think we can both say “parenting” without shuddering or breaking into a cold sweat now- so that seems like progress. We also own a car seat. It’s still in the box, but we’re going to have to open it and install it soon. I’m anticipating a decent amount of cursing and questioning of choices... 

I’ve also noticed weird things seem to set one of us into anxiety and panic mode. Mitch doesn’t like the word “crib”, I wonder if we should get a bigger refrigerator because for some reason the current one seems too small to accommodate another person. I am going to need space for multiple types of milk and juice soon! 

We’re also making adjustments around the house- we own a giant fire extinguisher, and a smoke detector in every room. Not every bedroom, every actual room. We have 7 rooms. I may have to ban microwave popcorn because I don’t even want to fathom what this place will sound like if it burns. We also have magnetic locks on our cabinets and a key lock on a closet with meds and cleaning supplies in it. I am not a fan. Cleaning is not my favorite activity to begin with, and now that I have an added barrier to getting to any supplies, it’s not helping. Also we have a lot of meds- it’s amazing what opening every cabinet and drawer and collecting every bottle of Aleve and tube of Cortisone cream adds up to. 

We’ve been calling Doctors and Daycares and even toured one so far, with more in the works. Yes it is awkward when they attempt to ask you questions about “your child” or “the baby” when you do not actually have one yet. Overall people have been very kind and understanding when we say we’re going to be foster parents, but there have been more than a few long pauses. My own self consciousness is positive that they are also looking me up and down to figure out “how far along” I am. I’m working on not worrying about that.

Our time line is looking like sometime in October we can expect a placement- a lot hinges on the inspection getting scheduled (there are 2 people who do all the inspections in Southern Arizona) and the state approving everything. We’ve been told as soon as our license gets the final approval, we should expect a call. We’re trying to get prepared, but it’s tricky without a “due date” and without knowing the age or size of the child. Clothing, diapers, formula/baby food/toddler foods, etc will have to wait. We already plan to do an emergency Target run the day of placement- one person will stay with the new kid and one will get the basics needed for the first few days, to give us time to regroup and collect other needed items.

This brings up a registry. Several people have asked if we need anything or if we have a registry. There are lots of foster care resources available in Tucson, and we will gladly utilize them, but there are a few things we’d love to have to make our home more welcoming for a new family member, so we’ve created a registry with Target. We’d also love to expand our library of kids books! A book from loved ones would be a wonderful addition, and help us have some variety in what we read every day. 

If you’d like to check it out, our registry is https://www.target.com/gift-registry/giftgiver?registryId=342169d5701d41fbb874f886a36e53be&type=BABY

Thanks to everyone who has offered kind words, support, encouragement, and sent love. It is very appreciated! 

Foster Care: The Adventure Begins! (kind of)

I’m resurrecting the blog, because Mitch and I are starting on our biggest adventure yet: parenting.

No, I’m not pregnant.

We are starting the process to become foster and adoptive parents. Our ultimate goal is adoption,
but via the foster care system. This has been in the “the future” for a while, but it’s actually in progress
now. We’ve submitted our initial paperwork and started classes.

The backstory: On our first date, Mitch said he didn’t want kids, but really loved being an uncle (at the
time he had 2 nephews and 1 niece. Now we’re up to 7 with #8 on the way). Every couples therapist
will tell you the only thing that can’t be solved with a compromise is having kids- you can’t have a half
a kid. I knew I wanted kids someday- so this should have been a deal breaker, but for some reason it
wasn’t. Maybe I didn’t really believe him? After more conversations, we came to the conclusion that
Mitch didn’t want biological kids. He’s had health issues that have strong hereditary links and didn’t
want to pass that on. I had a similar view- when I was 22 I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian
Syndrome (PCOS). PCOS often causes infertility (though I now know many women with PCOS who
have biological kids), so I decided many years ago that if biological kids weren’t in the cards, I was
totally ok with adopting. Both of us have worked with kids for over 20 years, and I know I have no
problem loving them- I fall in love with so many kids every year. So getting to the point where we
agreed adoption was the option for us wasn’t very difficult. But it was a “someday” kind of thing. 

I will admit I’ve had the baby fever. I adore all of our nieces and nephews, I love my school kids,
Mitch is incredibly patient and so good with kids- adding a non-bio kid to our family is the least of my
concerns. But we agreed our house was too small, so we decided to expand, and that was a nearly
year long project. Once it was done, we agreed we’d start the process. We didn’t realize the process
would be so fast! We did paperwork and started classes the next week. We have 3 more classes, a
home inspection, and a little bit of paperwork left- and then we’ll be licensed! Realistically we could
have a kid in just a couple of months. It’s exciting and terrifying. 

I have so many thoughts and feelings about all of it- and I'm going to do my best to blog them, so
stay tuned for thoughts on classes so far, house prep, and everything else we’re in for. I mean up for.
And share your trips, trials, and tribulations with me! I will need all of them.

An Unexpected Tale of Political Activism

We can all agree that America’s politics has been a shitshow for the past two years, right? Starting the moment that the Orange Asshole was declared the president things got bad. Really bad.

I’ve been a registered voter since I turned 18. I was so excited to vote in my first election (midterms) and first Presidential Election (John Kerry in 2004). I was so thrilled to vote for Obama and Hilary. And devastated when she lost. But, I’ll be honest, I lived in a nice liberal bubble and had no idea how bad it would get.

I’m white. I’m cisgender, heterosexual, educated, middle class, overall healthy (I do have pre-existing conditions, but none are life threatening). I’m employed and have health insurance through my employer, and don’t fall into any at-risk demographic. By all accounts I’m “safe”. The worst thing that could happen to me, personally, would be jumping through hoops to ensure medication is covered. Mitch is at a slightly higher risk with more severe diagnosis that require regular medication, but again, we could manage and jump through the hoops. 

But too many other people aren’t safe. Black men are being shot and killed by police at an alarming rate, women are losing access to safe healthcare and abortion, undocumented people live in fear every single day, and children have literally been locked in cages. I could go on for days, but I trust you all know exactly what is happening as well. 

For a while I felt helpless and bordering on hopeless. Then the #RedforEd movement began. Educators were sick of our schools being underfunded and our budgets being slashed left and right, and robbed to fund private schools and charter schools that don’t have to follow the rules. I finally felt like I could make an impact! This was MY protest- it affected me and the kids I love so much. I was ready to fight!!

I had no idea what to do though- is I joined the Facebook groups, and said I was in and waited for ideas. I wrote and called my legislators, I told my story, I asked for the funds my kids needed. And as the momentum increased, so did my involvement. I kept others informed of actions, I “walked-in” every week, I wore my red, I kept telling my story, and I spoke up more and more. And the “walk-in” turned to talk of “walk out”. This was exciting and terrifying. Mitch and I talked and agreed: we would walk out. I had plenty of time off accrued, so I wasn’t too worried about pay, Mitch did not- he would only get paid for 1.5 days and if it went longer he would go unpaid. But the cause mattered, and we decided we could make it work. 

On the first day of the Walk Out we drove to Phoenix and marched with 70,000 fellow educators and concerned citizens. It was so hot! We had water, but towards the end I was overheated and under hydrated. I sat down in shade while Mitch walked the remaining half mile to the car- and so many people offered me water, asked if I was ok, and just showed they cared. Educators are the best! We had planned to return for day 3 at the capitol but a nasty stomach bug left me in bed instead. We attended some Tucson rallies, and were out of school for over a week. I was glad to go back because I missed my kids and I was really worried about my seniors as graduation grew closer, but I knew it wasn’t over. We hadn’t gotten what we wanted, but we had started a huge conversation and people were finally listening.

 Protest Selfies are a thing now.

 Just me, Mitch, and our 70,000 closest friends.

I had decided months ago I wanted to volunteer on a campaign, and even before the Walk Out, I decided to start small and local, and focus my energies where I felt I could make an impact. Enter Leila Counts. I had been following her on Facebook as she started her campaign for School Board and reached out to say I was interested in volunteering. We met over coffee and chatted and I instantly knew I had picked the right campaign- Leila is awesome! She’s not a politician, she’s a really down to earth, great woman. And she cares about our kids- which is what I want for my school board! Honestly, the idea of being a school board member is kind of nuts- its a ton of work and responsibility, making huge decisions about an enormous and incredibly diverse school district, getting bitched at A LOT, and it’s unpaid!! But I’m so grateful Leila wants the job.

I’ve also been to a few protests. I’ve been to big ones and smaller ones- protesting children being held in cages, our lack of a fair immigration policy, Black Lives Matter rallies, and some others. It’s been a learning experience and one I’m really grateful for. I worked hard to collect signatures for the Invest in Ed proposition- turning in over 75 signatures for the cause. And the day that I heard the state Supreme Court threw it off the ballot I cried. I felt so defeated. It took me a few days to pick myself up- thanks to so many passionate educators who kept saying “it’s not over” and “This is just a hurdle”. So after a few days of mourning and being pissed and all the stages of grief, I got to acceptance and decided it was time for more action. Just hoping a Prop would pass wasn’t enough, especially since that Prop was no longer an option. So I recommitted, put on my red, and declared I was going to keep fighting. 

 Another protest, another selfie.

 My motto.

This weekend, I stepped way out of my comfort zone and went canvassing. Canvassing is a fancy term for “knock on people’s doors”. The idea has always made me really uncomfortable, however it’s a really important and effective way of getting names out there and engaging voters. I was so nervous as I pulled up to the Democratic Party Headquarters on Saturday morning, but it went well! I knocked on over 30 doors, 11 of them had people who were home and answered, and those people were generally nice, supportive, and took my info and said they supported the #RedforEd movement or the candidates I was talking about (David Garcia for Governor, Leila Counts for School Board, and No on Prop 305). It was stupid hot out (I think it hit 98 by the time I made it back to that car after about 2 hours of walking around a neighborhood), but I felt like I did something. That night I also put up about a dozen signs in street corners- because simple actions help too. 

 Flyers? Check! 

 Lots of water and sunscreen too! 

I’m also recognizing and using my privilege more- and I think thats the most powerful thing of all. When I knock on a door the person inside sees a (fairly) young white woman with red hair. I’m short, chubby, and as nonthreatening as a person can be. I wore my Arizona Educators United red shirt, which is basically a giant sign that means “I’m a teacher”. White lady teachers are the least threatening and most approachable people pretty much ever. Everyone had or knew a nice white lady teacher at some point in their life. Everyone. But this means people will open their door. They’ll engage in a conversation. They’ll hear me out- who wants to be rude to the sweet teacher? Not too many people. So I’m going to continue to use that angle- and continue to educate people about the state of AZ and education. And kids in cages, and lack of an immigration policy. And that Black Lives Matter, and poor people are people. And that our kids deserve better. I didn’t see this activist side coming, but now that it’s here, it’s not going anywhere.

 Over a dozen signs on corners- we figured out a good system. If you see one knocked over or see a corner that needs one- let me know! 

Reflections on (Nearly) a Year of Marriage

I’ve been married for 11 months, which is close to a year, so we’re rounding a bit here. Overall, it’s been great! We lived together for over two years prior to marriage, so there weren’t any big surprises. I also happened to marry the most patient man alive. He doesn’t yell. Ever. I yell plenty, but he literally never yells back! So that makes things pretty wonderful. 

The thing that has really stood out the first year are the questions I get, so I’m going to answer the most common ones!

1. How was the wedding? It was good. It was a wedding. I had a great time, but it was a pretty standard wedding- pretty dress, nice tux, happy tears, food, drinks, dancing, cake. Both of our families are wonderful, so there were no drunken brawls or dramatic events. The biggest issue was the wind blew over the chuppah when we were setting up, but the rabbi had one and it worked great. I’m super grateful that so many people loved us enough to come and celebrate. And even more grateful that no one was weird or inappropriate and everyone had a good time.
2. How is married life? Exactly like unmarried life, only with more jewelry and tax benefits.
3. What did you do for your honeymoon? We didn’t. Not really. We will eventually, but it’ll just be a cool trip. We’ve done a lot of cool stuff this year, and I’ll get to those adventures eventually. I didn’t want to do a big trip right after the wedding- planning a wedding is a lot of work. So is planning a big trip- at least the way I do it. So I didn’t want to worry about planning another big thing. We went to Palm Springs, stayed in a mediocre hotel, but it was free in exchange for sitting through a timeshare presentation. I’ll do another blog about timeshares sometime- they’re an adventure. We did do some fun stuff- we drove in to LA (3 hours with traffic) and spent the day at Universal Studios- Harry Potter World is awesome and we had a giant pink frosted donut a la the Simpsons. We also ate wedding cake every night. I had not intended to save the top tier of our cake- in large part because it was big and I planned for people to eat it. But it got saved and given to us at the end of the night, so we threw it in a cooler and brought it with us. We did not bring forks, but luckily the hotel had sporks- so spork wedding cake it was! And it was really good cake!
4. What is your name now? Did you change your name? Are you changing your name?  It’s Conway still. No.No

4.5 Why not? How come? This one is a longer answer, so get ready. TL;DR answer: I don’t want to. Longer answer: I don’t want to, but for a variety of reasons. 

1- I go by my last name. I work in a high school, I AM Ms Conway (or Miss or Conway and once in a while Ms Kan-yay). I hear my last name far more than my first name. I answer my phone by saying “This is Conway”. I earned both degrees as Conway as well.

2- EVERYTHING is in my name. House, cars, bills, degrees, credit cards, you name it.

3- Laziness is a small reason too… Changing your name is a ton of work! I don’t want to do it.

4- My last name is really easy to spell and pronounce. People don’t screw it up very often (I get Conally more than you’d think), but everyone can say it. It’s easy!

5- Mitch is Jewish. His last name is Jewish. I am not Jewish. It felt a little weird to potentially take on a name with cultural significance that is not mine. I know people do it all the time, and that’s fine, but it didn’t feel right for me.

6- No one has asked Mitch this question! This is where I could rant about patriarchy, but we’ll leave that for another time.

7- And ultimately I just don’t want to. I like my name and I don’t want to change it. I’m positive I can have a happy, productive marriage and not have the same last name of my husband. 

In conclusion, married life is pretty great, would recommend. At least if you happen to be married to Mitch. 

The Engagement!

It's been a few months now, but I'm finally getting around to writing about the big night! It happened on November 5th. The actual asking wasn't really a surprise, but I didn't know what Mitch had planned. We've been talking about getting married for months- since even before our summer road trip. After the road trip talk got more serious- we spent 6 weeks together in a car and didn't kill each other- in fact we still really loved each other and wanted to keep spending time together! 

I may have been a bit persistent... we even discussed potential dates/time of year and settled on October. It's gorgeous in Tucson, we have a week off for Fall Break, both of our parents, and all of Mitch's siblings were married in the fall, and it gave enough time to plan. But after more than a few weeks and no "official" engagement, I was getting antsy! I mentioned, again, that I would like to get things going because I wanted to start planning and would need time. And pointed out that if we were shooting for October, we were a year out. Mitch responded with "Well, I've been trying to go bowling!" to which i answered "I didn't know bowling was so important- lets go bowling. I thought you were just casually wanting to bowl!" So we sent a date for "bowling"- November 5th, a Saturday evening.

November 6th is my dad's birthday, so my mom had invited us over for dinner on the 5th to celebrate. We agreed to bowling afterward. As i thought more about it though, I was a little worried Mitch was going to propose in the bowling alley. Not exactly the most romantic setting... yes we went bowling on our first date, but lets be real- bowling alleys are filthy and always smell like oil and grease and stale beer. Not what I had envisioned... But i went with it and figured, no matter what, I'm going to marry the man I love who is truly a perfect match. Then I had to worry about what to wear- I wanted to look cute, but also bowling appropriate. Oh the life of a woman... 

I have to admit- I underestimated him. We went bowling, just one quick game, then he said we were going downtown. We drove down to 4th avenue, just like we had on our 1st date, walked past Brooklyn Pizza (but skipped the slice since we had just eaten) and wandered into the Flycatcher. We ran into a friend who we had bumped into that first night (he really did his homework and planned for serendipity) and then he decided we needed a shot. Of tequila. Well tequila. I obliged and he told me later he needed a bit of liquid courage, but well tequila was perhaps not a great decision. 

We continued to walk, reminisced about that first date, laughed about how bad well tequila is, and I corrected his directions when he tried to turn the wrong way. He asked if I knew where we were going, and I told him I had a hunch and if I was correct, we needed to turn left and go under the underpass. He knew better than to question my directions, and we ended up where I expected- right in front of Borderlands Brewery. There was a private event (a wedding to be exact) going on, so we couldn't go in, but listened to one of the speeches while Mitch commented that he needed the bathroom. We checked a nearby port-a-potty, but found it locked. So we walked down the block to the Bates Mansion, formerly the Maker House. We had stopped there on our first date as well and played some old video games- maybe mortal combat? I know it involved fighting and I lost miserably because my tactic of "just hit a lot of buttons and move the joystick in circles" proved ineffective.

He insisted we go in so he could use the bathroom. I insisted we not since there was clearly a wedding taking place- we could hear the music from outside the walls. He walked in anyway, so I nervously followed, all the while glaring at him (and feeling particularly under dressed in my casual attire). I loitered in the entrance, hoping no one would see me and wondering what in the world was taking him so long. He FINALLY came back and told me to follow him. I refused, and said we needed to leave. He wouldn't take no for answer and insisted I follow. I nervously laughed, shook my head, probably called him nuts, and followed anyway. We snuck around the corner to a small room that was empty. It held a couch and a few chairs, a pool table, and empty hangers I assumed belonged to the groom and groomsmen. Laughing all the while, I told him I could not believe we were there and that we were crashing a wedding! He reminded me we crashed a party our first date (it appeared to be a company Christmas party at then AquaDec) so he figured it was only fitting. Then he slid off the couch and on to one knee and asked if I would marry him.

I laughed and said of course and kissed him. He snuck out again and went to the bar and got two glasses of champagne so we could toast. All night he had been checking his phone and he said he had to make a call. I was perplexed, but a few minutes later a woman came in and shook his hand and he explained he had called ahead to make sure we could sneak in. She also told him the dates he asked about were open, and she'd be happy to talk more another time. 

Like I said, I underestimated him! He did an excellent job of not only planning a great evening, revisiting our first date spots, but had been doing some calling to find out about Bates Mansion as a venue (spoiler: We booked it!). After the official proposal, we stole the bride and grooms Polaroids, snapped a quick pic for ourselves and one for their guest book, and walked back to Congress street for some Hub ice cream. I couldn't stop smiling. We stopped in to The SHanty to wish a friend a happy birthday and officially told him the news. We then stopped at my best friend, Steph's house, because we had parked in front of it, she knew what was going down, and I figured it would be a good time to get a photo.

We decided to be really classy and used the TV screen saver with a lovely image of London as a backdrop and did the classic ring-hand on chest pose. While kneeling in front of the TV and laughing. The ring was my grandma's ring from the 1940's. I've had it for years, my mom had it before I did and passed it down years ago. I've long dreamed of wearing it, but its clearly a diamond engagement ring so it has been sitting in my jewelry box instead. Mitch polished it and it fits perfectly and I love the classic look and sparkle as well as the sentimental value of wearing a ring that belonged to a woman that I loved and who inspired me so much.

There you have it- the details of The Engagement. But regardless of how it went down (perfectly, I might add), I'm truly so happy and excited to marry Mitch. I love him with my entire heart, I enjoy his company, he makes me laugh the way no one else ever has, knows just what to say when I'm down, and is the most supportive partner a girl could ever ask for. I am very lucky.