The Things You're Not Supposed To Say

I’ve read enough Mommy Blogs and Foster Blogs to know there are things you’re “allowed” to say and a lot of things you aren’t. But I’ve never been one to not say something just because someone else has told me not to- especially when it comes to things I am passionate about. So this blog will be a lot less positive, and a lot more raw, and maybe a little rough. But I’m saying the things you’re not supposed to say, because if they’re not said, how will anyone know and how will anything change? 

Everyone will tell you that parenting is hard. They will also tell you Foster care is hard. They are definitely right: both are super hard. They don’t tell you that sometimes it really sucks, way more than you expect it will. We said goodbye to little BB this week, with about 30 minutes notice, and the way her entire time with us was handled by DCS was a mess. The hardest part continues to be the lack of any regard for my life, schedule, or plans. Visits are scheduled when it works for the visit supervisors, not around nap time, which means I get a cranky baby who didn’t get to nap and is going to be tired all evening, but who I have to keep awake until bedtime if I want any hope of her sleeping until 6. 3am is NOT my time of day- it literally never has been and I am positive it never will be and I will do everything in my power to avoid seeing it.

Despite asking multiple times, all I ever seem to get from DCS is “the judge can decide” when it comes to an idea of length of placement, if they will move to a kinship, or anything else. While I understand the judge ultimately has the final say, what I’d like to know is what they are recommending or expecting. A quick “ultimately it’s up to the judge, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they order the kid to be moved this week” would be incredibly helpful. I don’t expect a fortune teller, but I’d like the courtesy of an honest answer rather than being treated like babysitter who has nothing going on. I’d also like to be treated like a professional and not have people show up an hour late for appointments, or just not show up at all. It's frustrating that this behavior is more common than not when it comes to DCS, at least in my experience so far. 

I’m also surprised at my reaction to all of this. I’m finding myself more scared, more closed off, and not wanting to get “too attached”, whatever that means. One part of me wants to love completely and with abandon. The other knows HOW much it hurts, how hard not knowing anything is, and how much wondering I’ll do- are they ok? Are they sleeping? I hope they got their favorite blankie to snuggle with. In many ways, I’m sure this is a similar feeling to what their bio parents are feeling- they don’t know me, I’m sure they wonder if I’m nice, if I’m taking care of their baby, if their baby is safe or stuck in an office or group home. I wish there was a better way of doing all of this- and of letting bio parents know that as long as their baby is also my baby they will be loved and adored and I will do everything possible for them.

Fostering with the hope to adopt is also living in a constant battle of wants- one hand wants things to go my way, to end up with my forever, to get to the point of adoption. The other hand hates that it comes at the expense of someone else- for me to have “my” child someone else has to lose theirs. Regardless of the reason why, the number of chances they had, or any other circumstance, they have to lose their baby for me to get mine. That really sucks. Now there are lots of adoptions that remain open, contact is kept with bio families, and kids grow up being extra loved. But that doesn’t erase that they had to experience trauma, uncertainty, a new environment (often many), and countless changes. I also wonder if I’m still a mom when I don’t have a kid. I’m sans kid currently, and it’s a weird place to be. I’m preparing for another one, and I’m sure within the next two weeks there will be a new little one sleeping in the next room, but while there’s not? What am I? I have a lot of other identities and mom is a pretty new one anyway, but is it a fluid thing or is it a forever designation? 

The moral of the story? The system is terribly broken and is in desperate need of a complete overhaul. It sucks, it fails kids left and right, and I wish I had a solution (and a whole lotta cash- like Bezos or Gates cash) to fix it. In the meantime, is it worth it? I hope so, some days I’m not 100% sure it is, but I really hope so. Ask me again in a year. 

Not My First Rodeo

On Monday we got a new little one- this time we got delivery! She arrived about 7:30 at night- crying and tired and I’m sure completely confused and scared. It's been a few days and she’s settling in really well. And I’m noticing a change in myself too- I’m less anxious, more confidant, and feeling less lost. I’ve only gotten up to check to see if she’s breathing like twice! And this little BB is younger than Tater- just 8 months old- and honestly that's been a relief. She wiggles and scoots, but doesn’t walk or crawl yet so she’s easier to keep an eye on while also doing little things, like putting clothes away or washing dishes. And she’s been a good napper!

We brought her in to the pediatrician and were asked if we had bio kids because it seemed like we had done this before- I gotta say it felt good to not come off like a deer in headlights. I also feel a little better about the unknown. It’s still hard not knowing what each day will bring, in regards to DCS and the future of this little one. Parenting her is easy- she’s sweet and loveable, with big bright eyes and a darling little smile. She’s a little behind on a few milestones, but not significantly, and it’ll be stuff we can work with her on and catch her up, given time. But I don’t know yet if we have time- so far I know next to nothing about our little BB. I’ve made some calls and sent some emails but the info is limited.

The hardest part is going back to my life and schedule no longer being mine. A new barrage of case workers are calling and visiting, asking for the same updates, and calling at the last minute to inform me of visits, court dates, etc. And I’ll still be left wondering how long we’ll have her- a few days? Weeks? Years? Right now I have no idea if there are relatives who might be placement options or what sort of case plan her parents will have. It’s exhausting to juggle all of the things that go into a baby plus foster care plus having no timeline. 

We had about a week and a half of no baby. Part of that included traveling out of state, so it felt like only a few real days sans baby. Honestly, it was nice and a much needed break. I slept all night. Didn’t have to pack a lunch for someone else, didn’t have to get out the door in time to get to daycare and then work, and got to do nothing when I got home (after lysoling the hell out of everything to kill this cold virus). But it was also a little sad. I missed Tater. While we were traveling, there was a little guy her same age at the family events and during a moment of silence in the Bar Mitzvah service he made happy talking sounds and I lost it. My Tater would have done the same thing and had a great time. I missed my baby. Knowing I’m entering that again sucks. I want to love and bond with BB and play and watch her grow. And I wonder if I’ll love her as much as I love Tater. I hope I do. And I hope I get time with her. 

I’m also up for another first- going to WIC. I didn’t go with Tater since the only thing I was adding to my usual grocery list was milk and applesauce, but BB is on formula and that’s pricey! I’ve taken advantage of some of the resources for foster kids, but it feels a little weird. Mitch and I have discussed it a few times- we know we have a lot of privilege and entered into this with the knowledge that we could financially afford it. Utilizing daycare services has been a must, we couldn’t afford full price daycare, plus some clothes and miscellaneous items that various agencies supply has been nice. I love all the hand me downs friends and family have given us, and they’ve been a huge help. WIC, however, felt odd- on one hand BB gets it because she is in state custody and it will pay for formula and some baby food. On the other hand, it feels like so many other people need it more than we do- I don’t want to take a resource that someone else needs. I feel the same with the things offered in the community- Christmas presents were a big one- I didn’t want or need any gifts, knowing our families were excited to provide gifts, and feeling that other kids certainly needed them more. No child we ever have will want for toys, books, food, or most importantly, love. I’m sure this won’t be the last time I face this dilemma, but for now I’ll take the benefit, get some formula, and make sure I have a happy and well fed baby and see what the upcoming days and weeks bring.

This girl does not like socks! She pulls them off within seconds of me putting them on. 

Changing Placements

I’m a jumble of thoughts and emotions as I write this. Last week Tater had court to hear a motion to move her placements- at this time it wasn’t officially approved, but that's where it is moving. The goal is to move Tater and her older siblings to a relative placement so that they’re together and with family. There are a lot of reasons for this- the goal of DCS is to place kids with family whenever possible and to keep siblings together. Currently her 3 older siblings are in 2 other foster homes, and they have seen each other 4 times in the past 7 weeks. Luckily the older kids go to the same school, so have much more frequent contact, but Tater is too little for big kid school.

The hearing was interesting, and I’m constantly learning more about how the system works. The relatives were called to the stand and questioned- and they seem like nice, loving people. They want the kids, have a 3 bedroom house, are in the process of getting beds for everyone, have toys, and are willing to do whatever they need to- transport to school, appointments, etc. They agreed to follow any rules set in place by DCS. Mitch and I even interacted with them briefly after the hearing, they introduced themselves and seem genuinely kind and I truly believe they love the kids and want to do what's best for them. I can’t fault anyone for trying so hard to keep a family together.

The flip side of that is the personal heartbreak. I will miss Tater so much. Even thinking about her leaving makes me tear up- I’m happy she will be with family, and people who will love her unconditionally and will be there forever, even when she returns to her mom. But having to say goodbye to my baby will be so hard. She has been so loved and embraced by everyone in our families- foster care is much larger than just us, and I’m realizing the ripple effects of loving a little one who is only here temporarily. 

I’m also in a weird space of being sad she’s leaving, but still having her. Visits will increase the next two weeks, then the court will reconvene and review. She’ll likely be moved by the end of next week. So I’ll keep loving her, but with a little bit of a broken heart. I also know that when we say goodbye to her, the minute we say the word, our next Potato will be here, so part of me is in that space: wondering about who is next, what will they be like? Will they be here longer? Forever? I can’t help but hope our next little one is our forever, for purely selfish reasons and not wanting to go through heartbreak again. And I’m trying to focus on the now and loving Tater, yet can’t shake a bit of jealousy for my foster friends who ended up with their forever placement from the start. I’d be lying if I didn’t wonder sometimes if we should have discussed bio kids more- at least I’d only have myself and Mitch to answer to and a million people wouldn’t be visiting my house and dictating my life and schedule.  

I like a schedule, I live and die by my calendar, and foster parenting means throwing that out the window. We’ve been notified with less than 24 hours of visits being canceled, we have no say in the scheduling of court, meeting, or most other things related to her care. We are in charge of a little person 24 hours a day, but have no actual rights to her or say in anything. It’s uncomfortable at best, and infuriating at worst. It’s especially frustrating at 4:30am when I’m holding a crying baby who can’t sleep, but I know the court is in charge of her life. Its next to impossible to plan further than a few days out, since everything is scheduled around the court and what they dictate.It’s also a little shocking that the state considers a few afternoon visits and 1 overnight a “transition plan” for 4 kids. On the flip side, we obviously had no transition and went from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. It’s a weird dichotomy and, in this case, I wish for all the kids sake, this had been done a lot sooner- the fact that it took months for the court to review their relatives for placement is so unfair to 4 little kids who deserve stability.  

It’s amazing how hard a person can love in just 7 weeks. Mitch and I have learned SO much in those weeks though, and it will make us even better parents for whoever we love next. I continue to be incredibly grateful for all the love that has been showered upon all of us and all the support our village has given us, and I’m certain it will continue as we keep on this wild road. 

Foster Care is So Bittersweet

Tomorrow marks 5 weeks of parenting and life with Tater. It has flown by! It amazes me how quickly our lives and hearts expanded to let her in. In many ways it feels like she's always been a part of our family. Overall, I’m pretty impressed with Mitch and myself and our parenting- we’re far from perfect and learning constantly- but I think we’re doing a pretty good job. One of the best parts of this journey has been watching Mitch be a dad; he is amazing at it- he's funny, sweet, caring, and silly, and I’m loving parenting with him.

I’m learning that parenting and fostering are often the same thing, and sometimes they’re very different. I love Tater and I would keep her in a heartbeat, but that's not what we signed up for and she has a mom and extended family that love her and want her too. Its bittersweet but I’m glad for her sake that she is so loved and wanted. There is a petition to move her to a relative that will be heard by the court on January 2nd. My mama heart homes she gets to stay with us longer- I know she’s not our forever but even the thought of saying goodbye already breaks my heart. But that's the foster part of the equation- day to day we’re her parents, but in the grand scheme of her life we’re fostering her while her original family can do what they need so she can return to them. 

Until about a week ago I knew very little about her family, but during a CFT (team meeting) conference call, her mom was part of it. It surprised me how good it felt to hear her talk about her baby- she cried and asked questions, then laughed a bit and agreed that Tater isn’t a fan of naps but loves the car. I could feel her love for her baby, and it was nice. I knew Tater was loved- she knew how to brush teeth, was a pro at bathtime, likes to play and is sweet and friendly: hallmarks of being a very loved baby. But hearing her mom say how much she loves her and misses her was good- I want Tater to be loved and I’m glad her mom wants her back. I never want her to think for even a moment she wasn’t wanted- it's the opposite, she is so wanted! 

I know this process will break my heart, but I’m hoping it will also help families get back together. I truly believe in reunification and I’ve worked with kids long enough to know it really is what kids and families want and what is best for them. But the selfish part of me wishes I didn’t have to do it- that I could just get lucky and end up with my forever sooner rather than later. And a little piece of me is scared of the unknown- what if the next little one isn’t as fun or sweet? What if she cries all the time or never sleeps? But what if she’s great in her own way? I’m sure she will be and I know I’ll love her too. And I’ll keep hoping that whatever happens with Tater, it's the best for her. I know she won’t remember her time here or who we are, but I hope she remembers being so loved and can keep that feeling with her forever, even when our names and faces are long gone.

Ain’t No Tired Like New Parent Tired

We’ve had our little Tater nearly 3 weeks and it feels like so much longer. It has been a whirlwind! 

She has settled in so well- we’ve been incredibly lucky that she is a happy and fun little one. She loves to play, eats everything she is given, sleeps well, and gets along with everyone. She has definitely spoiled us by being a really easy placement. That said, I am SO TIRED! 

Mitch and I were definitely living the no kids life lazy style. Our usual routine was to come home, hang out, watch tv, and generally be bums. Sometimes we’d do something productive but at least 2-3 days we did a lot of nothing. Long gone are those days. Toddlers have so much energy! 

She has also graciously shown us where every non-child appropriate item is located. 

In addition to the normal “keep the kid alive” part of parenting, the first three weeks have included:  2 DCS visits, 1 lawyer visit, 3 licensing agency visits, 2 pediatrician appts, plus scheduling appointments for vision and dental, a CFT (meeting to discuss how she’s doing and if services are needed), and a court review next week. She also started daycare 2 days per week, which included a visit to do registration paperwork prior to her starting. And she’s not in need of any therapeutic services! The foster life is so full of appointments and meetings. 

Managing all of this as a two parent household has been a lot- and we have a huge network of support! I’m beyond grateful to all the people who have helped us- we’ve been showered in books, clothes, shoes, blankets, diapers, food, toys, advice, and babysitting. We truly could not do it without all the help! 

But it’s paying off: in addition to being an overall happy kid, she is learning new words (chicken, llama, baby, book, ball, bye), loves her chickens, is learning to love books, and has gotten into a nighttime routine. We’ve also learned an amazing amount as first time parents! Starting with a 14 month old is definitely not typical, but overall it’s been a great experience and even with the seemingly never ending meetings and appointments, I’m loving having Tater. 

I’m starting to adjust to being called “Taters Mom” and calling her my foster daughter- though we still haven’t committed to what we call ourselves, and have mostly avoided it since she doesn’t have a ton of words and has no problem getting our attention when she wants it (which is always- she’s a toddler). 

The next few weeks will be full of celebrations as we go through the holidays, and hopefully her cheery demeanor will make it even more fun for everyone. We’ll learn more in early January regarding how long she might be with us, or if she’ll be moved at that time. It’s hard to think of her leaving so soon, but we’ll love her while we have her and keep teaching her new things. Next up: saying Kitty. 

The First 48

We’ve been foster parents for 2 nights so far and mostly it feels surreal. On one hand it kind of feels like babysitting. And on the other I can tell my life has totally changed. It’s definitely not easy and we’re all tired. 

I don’t know how long we’ll have this little tater. I hope it’s a while because she’s been fabulous and so much fun. But even if it’s a short time, she’ll always be our first, and in less than 48 hours she’s made her mark.  

I’m incredibly happy she is a happy baby- likes to play, smiles and babbles, is quickly learning how to use a sippy cup, and is so easy to love. I’m also blown away by Mitch. I knew he’d be amazing, but he’s extra amazing. On night two I had tickets to a play. I debated not going but he knew I really wanted to see the show and encouraged me to go. I did a diaper change and got her in jammies and said goodbye. I felt guilty leaving him but he’s a pro. Bedtime has been a little rough- we don’t have a routine yet and we don’t know what her routine was- so there’s been a lot of crying. But both nights he’s managed to get her to sleep- what can I say, the man knows sleep. 

Just in the past few days I’ve gone through about a million emotions. I can already tell this is going to be a really hard journey. I selfishly want a little tater to call my own. But I knew when I signed on to this that foster care isn’t about me- it’s about all the kids and families who are in the system. And that means putting my selfish wants on the back burner. I’m confident at some point we’ll have a little tater that’s ours forever- but I have no idea what that road will look like. In the meantime I’m going to enjoy the little tater we have now- and learn how to be a mom (that word also doesn’t feel real). 

I’m so glad to have a partner in this. Major shout out to the single parents out there- just 48 hours in and I can’t imagine going solo. I couldn’t ask for a better partner either- we make a good team. 

Blog: Next stop: Babytown!

We officially passed our home inspection yesterday. This was our 2nd inspection- we didn’t pass the first one, despite having a walk through and asking what felt like a million questions, because our hot tub wasn’t “disconnected from power”. No one really seemed to know exactly what that meant. It was empty, covered, and locked, but still connected to the breaker. Now, thanks to a kind friend, the breaker was completely removed. So we passed. Finally.

Next up- our agency will submit everything to the state, the state will review it, hopefully not ask for anything else, and issue our license. This can take up to 30 days, but usually is faster. Then, we will be officially open for a placement. 

In case you were wondering, here are all the other things we’ve done so far:

6 weeks of classes, plus roughly 30 hours of online trainings; CPR/First Aid certification; a 20 page application; 5 recommendations from friends and family; a 4 page “family support plan”; physicians statements including a list of medications, all medical diagnosis, and purpose of any medication; we did a 1.5 hour interview together, individual hour long interviews, and have talked about our plans for discipline more times than I can count (we have never planned to use physical punishment- but we’ve had to sign multiple papers and state this several times out loud. I promise, no physical punishment!). We also had to provide copies of our teaching and counseling certificates, fingerprint clearance cards, drivers licenses, marriage license, car registrations, car insurance, list of all the places we’ve lived in the past 10 years, list of all employment in the past 10 years, and explanation of any gaps of even a day. There is probably more, but honestly I can't remember.

It has been trying at times, especially not passing the home inspection the first time, and I know it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. There have been a few tears and minor meltdowns, but being so close feels remarkably good. 

More than once during this process I thought about all the hoops we’ve had to jump through to foster a child. And even more, how if even part of this energy were put into families at risk that fewer children would need foster homes. Instead of having foster families fill out 4 different versions of a family support plan, put supports in homes- have a worker spend 3-4 hours developing a support plan with a parent who needs help, provide free and easily accessible parenting courses to anyone who wants them, provide addiction support and services for free for everyone- not just people who are court ordered or have successfully navigated the system to finally get insurance. I could go on- our system is horribly broken and doesn’t provide any meaningful prevention services. I’m excited to foster and hopefully adopt, and I think foster care will always be important and needed, I just hope some day it's needed less because we’ve worked to identify and reduce risk factors. 

I know there are many more sleepless nights ahead, but soon those nights will be from a small child and not just stress and anxiety (I’m sure we’ll still have those nights too… just more sleepless nights all around).