Changing Placements

I’m a jumble of thoughts and emotions as I write this. Last week Tater had court to hear a motion to move her placements- at this time it wasn’t officially approved, but that's where it is moving. The goal is to move Tater and her older siblings to a relative placement so that they’re together and with family. There are a lot of reasons for this- the goal of DCS is to place kids with family whenever possible and to keep siblings together. Currently her 3 older siblings are in 2 other foster homes, and they have seen each other 4 times in the past 7 weeks. Luckily the older kids go to the same school, so have much more frequent contact, but Tater is too little for big kid school.

The hearing was interesting, and I’m constantly learning more about how the system works. The relatives were called to the stand and questioned- and they seem like nice, loving people. They want the kids, have a 3 bedroom house, are in the process of getting beds for everyone, have toys, and are willing to do whatever they need to- transport to school, appointments, etc. They agreed to follow any rules set in place by DCS. Mitch and I even interacted with them briefly after the hearing, they introduced themselves and seem genuinely kind and I truly believe they love the kids and want to do what's best for them. I can’t fault anyone for trying so hard to keep a family together.

The flip side of that is the personal heartbreak. I will miss Tater so much. Even thinking about her leaving makes me tear up- I’m happy she will be with family, and people who will love her unconditionally and will be there forever, even when she returns to her mom. But having to say goodbye to my baby will be so hard. She has been so loved and embraced by everyone in our families- foster care is much larger than just us, and I’m realizing the ripple effects of loving a little one who is only here temporarily. 

I’m also in a weird space of being sad she’s leaving, but still having her. Visits will increase the next two weeks, then the court will reconvene and review. She’ll likely be moved by the end of next week. So I’ll keep loving her, but with a little bit of a broken heart. I also know that when we say goodbye to her, the minute we say the word, our next Potato will be here, so part of me is in that space: wondering about who is next, what will they be like? Will they be here longer? Forever? I can’t help but hope our next little one is our forever, for purely selfish reasons and not wanting to go through heartbreak again. And I’m trying to focus on the now and loving Tater, yet can’t shake a bit of jealousy for my foster friends who ended up with their forever placement from the start. I’d be lying if I didn’t wonder sometimes if we should have discussed bio kids more- at least I’d only have myself and Mitch to answer to and a million people wouldn’t be visiting my house and dictating my life and schedule.  

I like a schedule, I live and die by my calendar, and foster parenting means throwing that out the window. We’ve been notified with less than 24 hours of visits being canceled, we have no say in the scheduling of court, meeting, or most other things related to her care. We are in charge of a little person 24 hours a day, but have no actual rights to her or say in anything. It’s uncomfortable at best, and infuriating at worst. It’s especially frustrating at 4:30am when I’m holding a crying baby who can’t sleep, but I know the court is in charge of her life. Its next to impossible to plan further than a few days out, since everything is scheduled around the court and what they dictate.It’s also a little shocking that the state considers a few afternoon visits and 1 overnight a “transition plan” for 4 kids. On the flip side, we obviously had no transition and went from 0 to 100 in the blink of an eye. It’s a weird dichotomy and, in this case, I wish for all the kids sake, this had been done a lot sooner- the fact that it took months for the court to review their relatives for placement is so unfair to 4 little kids who deserve stability.  

It’s amazing how hard a person can love in just 7 weeks. Mitch and I have learned SO much in those weeks though, and it will make us even better parents for whoever we love next. I continue to be incredibly grateful for all the love that has been showered upon all of us and all the support our village has given us, and I’m certain it will continue as we keep on this wild road. 

Foster Care is So Bittersweet

Tomorrow marks 5 weeks of parenting and life with Tater. It has flown by! It amazes me how quickly our lives and hearts expanded to let her in. In many ways it feels like she's always been a part of our family. Overall, I’m pretty impressed with Mitch and myself and our parenting- we’re far from perfect and learning constantly- but I think we’re doing a pretty good job. One of the best parts of this journey has been watching Mitch be a dad; he is amazing at it- he's funny, sweet, caring, and silly, and I’m loving parenting with him.

I’m learning that parenting and fostering are often the same thing, and sometimes they’re very different. I love Tater and I would keep her in a heartbeat, but that's not what we signed up for and she has a mom and extended family that love her and want her too. Its bittersweet but I’m glad for her sake that she is so loved and wanted. There is a petition to move her to a relative that will be heard by the court on January 2nd. My mama heart homes she gets to stay with us longer- I know she’s not our forever but even the thought of saying goodbye already breaks my heart. But that's the foster part of the equation- day to day we’re her parents, but in the grand scheme of her life we’re fostering her while her original family can do what they need so she can return to them. 

Until about a week ago I knew very little about her family, but during a CFT (team meeting) conference call, her mom was part of it. It surprised me how good it felt to hear her talk about her baby- she cried and asked questions, then laughed a bit and agreed that Tater isn’t a fan of naps but loves the car. I could feel her love for her baby, and it was nice. I knew Tater was loved- she knew how to brush teeth, was a pro at bathtime, likes to play and is sweet and friendly: hallmarks of being a very loved baby. But hearing her mom say how much she loves her and misses her was good- I want Tater to be loved and I’m glad her mom wants her back. I never want her to think for even a moment she wasn’t wanted- it's the opposite, she is so wanted! 

I know this process will break my heart, but I’m hoping it will also help families get back together. I truly believe in reunification and I’ve worked with kids long enough to know it really is what kids and families want and what is best for them. But the selfish part of me wishes I didn’t have to do it- that I could just get lucky and end up with my forever sooner rather than later. And a little piece of me is scared of the unknown- what if the next little one isn’t as fun or sweet? What if she cries all the time or never sleeps? But what if she’s great in her own way? I’m sure she will be and I know I’ll love her too. And I’ll keep hoping that whatever happens with Tater, it's the best for her. I know she won’t remember her time here or who we are, but I hope she remembers being so loved and can keep that feeling with her forever, even when our names and faces are long gone.

Ain’t No Tired Like New Parent Tired

We’ve had our little Tater nearly 3 weeks and it feels like so much longer. It has been a whirlwind! 

She has settled in so well- we’ve been incredibly lucky that she is a happy and fun little one. She loves to play, eats everything she is given, sleeps well, and gets along with everyone. She has definitely spoiled us by being a really easy placement. That said, I am SO TIRED! 

Mitch and I were definitely living the no kids life lazy style. Our usual routine was to come home, hang out, watch tv, and generally be bums. Sometimes we’d do something productive but at least 2-3 days we did a lot of nothing. Long gone are those days. Toddlers have so much energy! 

She has also graciously shown us where every non-child appropriate item is located. 

In addition to the normal “keep the kid alive” part of parenting, the first three weeks have included:  2 DCS visits, 1 lawyer visit, 3 licensing agency visits, 2 pediatrician appts, plus scheduling appointments for vision and dental, a CFT (meeting to discuss how she’s doing and if services are needed), and a court review next week. She also started daycare 2 days per week, which included a visit to do registration paperwork prior to her starting. And she’s not in need of any therapeutic services! The foster life is so full of appointments and meetings. 

Managing all of this as a two parent household has been a lot- and we have a huge network of support! I’m beyond grateful to all the people who have helped us- we’ve been showered in books, clothes, shoes, blankets, diapers, food, toys, advice, and babysitting. We truly could not do it without all the help! 

But it’s paying off: in addition to being an overall happy kid, she is learning new words (chicken, llama, baby, book, ball, bye), loves her chickens, is learning to love books, and has gotten into a nighttime routine. We’ve also learned an amazing amount as first time parents! Starting with a 14 month old is definitely not typical, but overall it’s been a great experience and even with the seemingly never ending meetings and appointments, I’m loving having Tater. 

I’m starting to adjust to being called “Taters Mom” and calling her my foster daughter- though we still haven’t committed to what we call ourselves, and have mostly avoided it since she doesn’t have a ton of words and has no problem getting our attention when she wants it (which is always- she’s a toddler). 

The next few weeks will be full of celebrations as we go through the holidays, and hopefully her cheery demeanor will make it even more fun for everyone. We’ll learn more in early January regarding how long she might be with us, or if she’ll be moved at that time. It’s hard to think of her leaving so soon, but we’ll love her while we have her and keep teaching her new things. Next up: saying Kitty. 

The First 48

We’ve been foster parents for 2 nights so far and mostly it feels surreal. On one hand it kind of feels like babysitting. And on the other I can tell my life has totally changed. It’s definitely not easy and we’re all tired. 

I don’t know how long we’ll have this little tater. I hope it’s a while because she’s been fabulous and so much fun. But even if it’s a short time, she’ll always be our first, and in less than 48 hours she’s made her mark.  

I’m incredibly happy she is a happy baby- likes to play, smiles and babbles, is quickly learning how to use a sippy cup, and is so easy to love. I’m also blown away by Mitch. I knew he’d be amazing, but he’s extra amazing. On night two I had tickets to a play. I debated not going but he knew I really wanted to see the show and encouraged me to go. I did a diaper change and got her in jammies and said goodbye. I felt guilty leaving him but he’s a pro. Bedtime has been a little rough- we don’t have a routine yet and we don’t know what her routine was- so there’s been a lot of crying. But both nights he’s managed to get her to sleep- what can I say, the man knows sleep. 

Just in the past few days I’ve gone through about a million emotions. I can already tell this is going to be a really hard journey. I selfishly want a little tater to call my own. But I knew when I signed on to this that foster care isn’t about me- it’s about all the kids and families who are in the system. And that means putting my selfish wants on the back burner. I’m confident at some point we’ll have a little tater that’s ours forever- but I have no idea what that road will look like. In the meantime I’m going to enjoy the little tater we have now- and learn how to be a mom (that word also doesn’t feel real). 

I’m so glad to have a partner in this. Major shout out to the single parents out there- just 48 hours in and I can’t imagine going solo. I couldn’t ask for a better partner either- we make a good team. 

Blog: Next stop: Babytown!

We officially passed our home inspection yesterday. This was our 2nd inspection- we didn’t pass the first one, despite having a walk through and asking what felt like a million questions, because our hot tub wasn’t “disconnected from power”. No one really seemed to know exactly what that meant. It was empty, covered, and locked, but still connected to the breaker. Now, thanks to a kind friend, the breaker was completely removed. So we passed. Finally.

Next up- our agency will submit everything to the state, the state will review it, hopefully not ask for anything else, and issue our license. This can take up to 30 days, but usually is faster. Then, we will be officially open for a placement. 

In case you were wondering, here are all the other things we’ve done so far:

6 weeks of classes, plus roughly 30 hours of online trainings; CPR/First Aid certification; a 20 page application; 5 recommendations from friends and family; a 4 page “family support plan”; physicians statements including a list of medications, all medical diagnosis, and purpose of any medication; we did a 1.5 hour interview together, individual hour long interviews, and have talked about our plans for discipline more times than I can count (we have never planned to use physical punishment- but we’ve had to sign multiple papers and state this several times out loud. I promise, no physical punishment!). We also had to provide copies of our teaching and counseling certificates, fingerprint clearance cards, drivers licenses, marriage license, car registrations, car insurance, list of all the places we’ve lived in the past 10 years, list of all employment in the past 10 years, and explanation of any gaps of even a day. There is probably more, but honestly I can't remember.

It has been trying at times, especially not passing the home inspection the first time, and I know it’s not going to get easier anytime soon. There have been a few tears and minor meltdowns, but being so close feels remarkably good. 

More than once during this process I thought about all the hoops we’ve had to jump through to foster a child. And even more, how if even part of this energy were put into families at risk that fewer children would need foster homes. Instead of having foster families fill out 4 different versions of a family support plan, put supports in homes- have a worker spend 3-4 hours developing a support plan with a parent who needs help, provide free and easily accessible parenting courses to anyone who wants them, provide addiction support and services for free for everyone- not just people who are court ordered or have successfully navigated the system to finally get insurance. I could go on- our system is horribly broken and doesn’t provide any meaningful prevention services. I’m excited to foster and hopefully adopt, and I think foster care will always be important and needed, I just hope some day it's needed less because we’ve worked to identify and reduce risk factors. 

I know there are many more sleepless nights ahead, but soon those nights will be from a small child and not just stress and anxiety (I’m sure we’ll still have those nights too… just more sleepless nights all around). 

Road to Fostering: Shit is Getting Real

Shit Is Getting Real

This week things are starting to feel very real. We completed Part 1 of our Home Study and scheduled Part 2. Our licensing worker is putting in the request for our inspection, and I did another mountain of paperwork and gathering of millions of documents. All that is left is a few more documents, passing the home inspection, and the state reviewing everything.

It's been exciting and stressful. We’ve had a lot more conversations about parenting style, what we like or dislike about how other people parent, and what we want to incorporate into our own parenting. I think we can both say “parenting” without shuddering or breaking into a cold sweat now- so that seems like progress. We also own a car seat. It’s still in the box, but we’re going to have to open it and install it soon. I’m anticipating a decent amount of cursing and questioning of choices... 

I’ve also noticed weird things seem to set one of us into anxiety and panic mode. Mitch doesn’t like the word “crib”, I wonder if we should get a bigger refrigerator because for some reason the current one seems too small to accommodate another person. I am going to need space for multiple types of milk and juice soon! 

We’re also making adjustments around the house- we own a giant fire extinguisher, and a smoke detector in every room. Not every bedroom, every actual room. We have 7 rooms. I may have to ban microwave popcorn because I don’t even want to fathom what this place will sound like if it burns. We also have magnetic locks on our cabinets and a key lock on a closet with meds and cleaning supplies in it. I am not a fan. Cleaning is not my favorite activity to begin with, and now that I have an added barrier to getting to any supplies, it’s not helping. Also we have a lot of meds- it’s amazing what opening every cabinet and drawer and collecting every bottle of Aleve and tube of Cortisone cream adds up to. 

We’ve been calling Doctors and Daycares and even toured one so far, with more in the works. Yes it is awkward when they attempt to ask you questions about “your child” or “the baby” when you do not actually have one yet. Overall people have been very kind and understanding when we say we’re going to be foster parents, but there have been more than a few long pauses. My own self consciousness is positive that they are also looking me up and down to figure out “how far along” I am. I’m working on not worrying about that.

Our time line is looking like sometime in October we can expect a placement- a lot hinges on the inspection getting scheduled (there are 2 people who do all the inspections in Southern Arizona) and the state approving everything. We’ve been told as soon as our license gets the final approval, we should expect a call. We’re trying to get prepared, but it’s tricky without a “due date” and without knowing the age or size of the child. Clothing, diapers, formula/baby food/toddler foods, etc will have to wait. We already plan to do an emergency Target run the day of placement- one person will stay with the new kid and one will get the basics needed for the first few days, to give us time to regroup and collect other needed items.

This brings up a registry. Several people have asked if we need anything or if we have a registry. There are lots of foster care resources available in Tucson, and we will gladly utilize them, but there are a few things we’d love to have to make our home more welcoming for a new family member, so we’ve created a registry with Target. We’d also love to expand our library of kids books! A book from loved ones would be a wonderful addition, and help us have some variety in what we read every day. 

If you’d like to check it out, our registry is https://www.target.com/gift-registry/giftgiver?registryId=342169d5701d41fbb874f886a36e53be&type=BABY

Thanks to everyone who has offered kind words, support, encouragement, and sent love. It is very appreciated! 

Foster Care: The Adventure Begins! (kind of)

I’m resurrecting the blog, because Mitch and I are starting on our biggest adventure yet: parenting.

No, I’m not pregnant.

We are starting the process to become foster and adoptive parents. Our ultimate goal is adoption,
but via the foster care system. This has been in the “the future” for a while, but it’s actually in progress
now. We’ve submitted our initial paperwork and started classes.

The backstory: On our first date, Mitch said he didn’t want kids, but really loved being an uncle (at the
time he had 2 nephews and 1 niece. Now we’re up to 7 with #8 on the way). Every couples therapist
will tell you the only thing that can’t be solved with a compromise is having kids- you can’t have a half
a kid. I knew I wanted kids someday- so this should have been a deal breaker, but for some reason it
wasn’t. Maybe I didn’t really believe him? After more conversations, we came to the conclusion that
Mitch didn’t want biological kids. He’s had health issues that have strong hereditary links and didn’t
want to pass that on. I had a similar view- when I was 22 I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian
Syndrome (PCOS). PCOS often causes infertility (though I now know many women with PCOS who
have biological kids), so I decided many years ago that if biological kids weren’t in the cards, I was
totally ok with adopting. Both of us have worked with kids for over 20 years, and I know I have no
problem loving them- I fall in love with so many kids every year. So getting to the point where we
agreed adoption was the option for us wasn’t very difficult. But it was a “someday” kind of thing. 

I will admit I’ve had the baby fever. I adore all of our nieces and nephews, I love my school kids,
Mitch is incredibly patient and so good with kids- adding a non-bio kid to our family is the least of my
concerns. But we agreed our house was too small, so we decided to expand, and that was a nearly
year long project. Once it was done, we agreed we’d start the process. We didn’t realize the process
would be so fast! We did paperwork and started classes the next week. We have 3 more classes, a
home inspection, and a little bit of paperwork left- and then we’ll be licensed! Realistically we could
have a kid in just a couple of months. It’s exciting and terrifying. 

I have so many thoughts and feelings about all of it- and I'm going to do my best to blog them, so
stay tuned for thoughts on classes so far, house prep, and everything else we’re in for. I mean up for.
And share your trips, trials, and tribulations with me! I will need all of them.